Its March 26 2023, you guys. every day I ask you both to come to me and tell me why I am still using a body. It feels like I am stuck in a loop every day in this dimension, doing the same things over and over again, waiting for answers from both of you..why am I still using a body. I would like to think it's because Bobby and Riley still need me here, but I am lost otherwise. I cannot cry, Mike . I feel so numb and angry all the time. It's like the Hoover dam of anger holding back a lake of tears. I know you both do not recognize the 'idea' of time in your consciousness, but I feel stuck in it like it is a prison. I have begged you over and over again to show yourselves to me , just show up in spirit and tell me what I am supposed to do in this dimension?? Just keep breathing? I know now that all the dreams and hopes I had for both of you in this dimension are washed away. But that was my selfishness, I guess. I have been told by many you both have come in their dreams and meditation that you are in joy beyond description. It is selfish of me to want you here in this dimension using bodies that will grow old and suffer. You both suffered so much here and I hated watching you suffer. I still cringe at the things I did or didnt do to help you or not help you. There is no guidebook when it comes to your children being addicted to drugs. I know you were both trying to ease the pain and suffering here. I wish I could ease mine, I just have given up, basically, on everything. I do not have a 'role' here anymore, a reason for this existence. I am truly numb to it all, there is no awe or excitement about this place, it is like a wasteland of sadness all around me. I keep my chin up for Bobby and his son, it is my only role, I guess. I try to make Bobby laugh and Riley laugh but otherwise I talk all day to both of you. You guys and your dad. I am told you are all together. So my little perfect family was blown up when your daddy passed on. I dont know why I could not see how traumatized you kids were. If only I had done this or that, I keep telling myself. I just dont have any answers. I need for you guys to give me some answers. I need to understand that you are bathed in love. Please please let me feel that love so I know what you both feel like. I will ask this everyday and write more tomorrow. Momma is so tired and sad. Sad beyond sad. I love you, my babies.
March 28 2023
pretty sure I am still numb and in complete shock over you leaving me, Mike. Joey, also, just numb because of too many TKOs. I know you can both hear me, even if I realize my higher power Marianne is also listening to this little ego Marianne who is sulking and spitting so much anger at this mess called 'Marianne's life in 3 d". I just want to scream and nothing comes out but anger. I cant even cry. I wish I could cry. I am feeling my body here getting old and rusty, it cramps up now and its annoying, even more so because I know it is only a costume. I cant change clothes if you get my drift. I guess addiction runs in this family, especially since your dad had this problem. soooo many things I got wrong, it feels like. Im not in a forgiving mood to myself, really. I have to walk thru the days and hope I make it til the next day in this sluggish place of 3d mud. Just get me through it is all I ask. Just help me breathe for Bobby and Riley and just show up sometimes and let me know how you are feeling. wow, do I need to know the love you are in. just a taste would heal me.
March 29 2023
Mike, watching you suffer while you lived with me was the most painful experience of my life...as painful as watching Joey suffer and there was nothing I could do about it. There was in fact nothing I could do to keep you or Joey in your bodies. I live every moment with guilt that was conditioned into me as a small child, that I failed as a mom, that I did not see the signs when you were little and how badly traumatized you all were from your daddy leaving us. I just force myself now to get through each day in this sluggish dimension and it takes every bit of energy I have to stay here playing out this role. I have to keep myself in a body , or use a body for a while for Bobby and thats about it. I just need for you two to please get me through it all. Please. I do not miss the horror of watching either of you suffer here. I do not miss wondering that I might find your bodies dead. I can feel my costume/body falling apart now, especially the skeleton part. okay, I just have to deal with that. I know my body is not what I really am, or so I have been told. I dont care how low my so called vibrational frequency is, you guys come to me anyway and let me know about the love you feel. I need to know. please.
March 30 2023
I just do not know what to believe anymore. I get through each day in a fog of forgetfulness, wondering if today is the day I wake up from this dream and join you guys. Please be waiting for me, come and get me when it is my time to shed this skin. I can tell it is getting old and my skeleton hurts . I know it is dust, I have seen the dust. I know it is light waves, frequency, etc just pretending to be mass. Is that the veil? the costume pretending it is real? why can't I understand how my babies are? why don't you let me know how you are? am I so caught up in 3d that I cannot rise above it and really understand? this hole in my heart is immense. I need to know how you both are. I need peace and healing. Please help me. Love, momma
April 3 2023
look for the calm beneath the storm, you tell me. I know I am doing what you both did, thinking too much and creating the worst case scenarios in my mind and letting my thoughts drift to guilt and sadness and trying to wrap my mind around what happened to you both and looking 'back' at the women I was and shes gone now. when people ask what my joy was I say my children. so that was part of the script I wrote? for my children to be taken from here, and I am so angry, guys, I cannot even cry now I am on autopilot all the time and thank god for this dog here at least I have something to love every day. Mike please pet Henry for me. I miss Henry too. I miss holding you both in my arms and telling you I love you. please forgive me. Please let me know the Love you are in. That would heal me.
I am so broken.
April 6th 2023
still writing on here kids, which means I am still using a body/costume, it is so stifling and I keep meaning to put on those earphones and go under. I am just being lazy and losing my awe at everything, and I am getting ready to see your brother Bobby and his family this weekend so Im debating about hanging out at Debbies house on sunday I guess being around groups of people freaks me out a lot so I dunno if I will go there. I dont want to leave the puppy alone all day either. I read the other day that a near death experiencer said going back into using a body was like being an orca whale being stuffed into a sardine can. maybe I am just really tired of being stifled by this veil of forgetfulness. I want to know what huge love you kids have now. I am always angry it seems, and I get upset at the things of this world and dont take Joseph Campbell's advice anymore because he never had his child cross over. its so annoying I cannot cry I am so angry and losing my temper but I try to be nice to people anyway. today I have to go to the store and etc and its like a huge terrible burden to even do that. I dont feel like I fit in here anymore but I must keep breathing for Bobby every day and you guys need to be in charge of watching over him please. I beg you. he is my silver cord to stay here. Time just flies now that my body is old, it flies fast. I may have some years left but who knows. Just please please let me know how you kids are I need to know you are bathed in some Love that makes you glad you arent playing out this theater here. please let me feel that Love , even a second of it.
April 9th, easter 2023
another holiday I have to get through, please keep letting me know you are around. Bobby and Riley want me to celebrate at Debbie's house but I really dont feel like celebrating or anything. Riley wants to be baptized, and I sort of roll my eyes, I know so much about the catholic religion now but I have to remember when that was important to me, until I started questioning religion in my 30s and found out the three patrarchies did not suit me. I just have to let go of it and let him run with what his journey is when it comes to learning what 'god' is. His school must be highly influential when it comes to his perceptions of what god is. Let his spiritual journey run it's course. no biggie. just back off, he is a little kid. I remember being so religious as a kid, heck , it was the pomp and ceremony that built Joseph Campbell into what he became, that mystery of the Latin mass and al the rigamarole surrounding it. Just have to let go. altho I could sneak in some thoughts on the Inquisition to him. Oh well, in the meantime just let go. I am having so many panic attacks around people right now it's pretty damned hard. I dont drink and it feels uncomfortable to be around drunk people who just talk all the time. I will go to this easter thing today but I will leave early I dont want my dog to be alone for very long. Please help me get thru the day . Thats pretty much all I ask. just get me thru this. momma, always your momma, i love you my babies. <3
April 16 2023
Could you guys please help me with the guilt I carry and the feelings of remorse that I was not a good enough mother? I need a LOT of help please, I am lost and afraid and keep having this panic that I was a bad mom and please let me know you are both okay as I am falling deeper and deeper into this despair that doesnt even have a bottom. I need you both to reassure me. This toxic guilt is eating me up inside and it hurts so much. please. and please watch over Bobby and his family. He hurts too. I love you, my babies. I am so sorry if I was not a good enough mom, please forgive me.
April 28 2023
I put an angel by the grave site but you both already know that. it just felt right to do, and it brought a lot of emotions up in Bobby I think, so please keep him covered with your presence in his life. He needs to know its not his fault. he also blames himself, like I do. promise me you will always let him know you are all around him. he needs that. I know you came to joe kruger, mike. thanks. thanks for the 1111 and keep that up too. we both need to know how you guys are doing, we are sort of still stuck in this theater here. I feel like sleeping away the days these days, i am monumentally tired. please help us heal.
May 9th 2023
Thank you for sending me 1111 so much Mike, and Joey , I am still reeling here in guilt and would put it out there for you to forgive me if I was a terrible mother I have all these memories come up and wish I had done differently by you in so many situations but all I can do is feel guilty and I ask that you guys please help me heal from that, I feel so badly when those memories pop up and I was not a proper mom. please send the healing . Its so hard here. so very very hard.
May 18th 2023
I dream in this dream every night and in the sleeping dream I am never good enough and find myself in impossible situations where I cannot find peace or acceptance. I ask you guys to come to me but you have been very quiet lately and I really miss you making me laugh . I have contemplated suicide far too often it would be so easy but I will stick around for Bobby because I refuse to destroy him any further. I am trying to survive in this place but I need you guys to hit me upside the head sometimes to remind me what you are doing, feeling, etc. I miss you both so much its so hard here. Please keep your brother safe from hurt and I will continue to drag this body around despite its heavy burden. I feel like I failed you both and please help me let go of that. Momma always will love you. always.
May23 2023
here I am again in this 3d dream, it is morning and I miss you both so much. I need to know how you are, you have both been so quiet lately and I cannot understand why I am still walking around in this body, except to be there for Bobby, which I accept. But I need you guys to show yourselves to me, I know you can do it. This is wayyy too hard here. every day is a nightmare I am not waking up from. please please let me know you are always around.
May 26 2023
I am still in this body , guys. I don't know why and everyone I see on FB says they know why we exist in 3d but I have no idea as to why I exist in 3d none of this makes sense. I am not even going to try to figure it out. It is all a total mystery to me as to why I am dreaming this all up as some kind of reality. I am not going to figure it out so f it. I am too tired with this river of sadness always in me all the time.It is always in me, my missing you both, wishing you would let me know you are okay and around me. I have no clue as to how you are anymore it is more like a nightmare. Please please please let me know how my babies are doing, you will always be my babies, just let me know I am so so tired so so sad. please, please, my sons. please. always always always love you. Momma.
July 30 2023
please let me know you kids are okay. I am not doing well at all. Love, momma,
August 3 2023
Momma is tired. well, there I go again identifying with my body. I know Im not my body its a very small idea in the scope of all that I Am, but it is wearing out and I can feel it. It likes to lay down a lot. It is still reeling from the loss of you guys here but please help momma get through this. please.
August 30 2023
Kids, today is one of those days where I am aimless more than ever and clueless as to why I am still even around. No one , just no one really needs me here and I find myself sleeping all the time, or panicking as to whats the point of me being in this world it makes no sense at all. so what if I make art its just bullshit crap that will be thrown out someday nothing makes sense and I am like the walking dead in this place. that ache for being with you both is so immense it is taking me over. I feel so alone.
September 24 2023
its simply bullshit that mom here still has to drag around this old carcass of a body and at least neither of you will suffer through old age. at least you wont have to deal with me dying , at least you wont have to deal with using a heavy body now, at least you wont be in physical pain. that is the only comfort i have to hang on to. let me know you are both around. please. i am broken, kids.
October 29 2023
Please get me through this day,kids. Please let me know you are around. Please.
