the baby decided not to use a body / "We are sorry, honey" says the doctor "You lost it."
Now I know why Joey wants me to continue my 'presence' here for Bobby and Mike.
all in all, the little soul decided not to come here. the body did not fit.
I love you, little soul.
grandma.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
just let go
Received a kind word from a man named Ron Russo, who told me that when he drowned as a young man, he felt himself in the thick mud under the river he was drowning in, and he struggled and struggled until he finally...just...let....go....and then, the peace took over.
He was trying to tell me that my son is in incredible peace...but instead, he told me what I needed.
Last night I decided not to struggle anymore.
I lay down and said fuck it. I am done.
The dream sent to me in the sleeping was Mike and Bobby as little boys, and they needed care, so I cared for them. And, I was able to care for them.
Joey did not show up as a little boy, as he has in the past, where I cannot care for him or his brothers.
I woke up into this waking dream without that feeling of being a terrible mother who cannot care for her children properly as I have in the past.
I woke up with the feeling of being in a place where Joey does not need for me to care for him, but the others are still in the place and need me in some way.
I see Bobby's face when he calls me online, and he looks at me with great love as a child looks at a mother, my face must look like his mother, some aspect of me comforts him now.
And Mike told me, when I related to him I have dreams of feeling unloved.."Mom..if you only knew how loved you are..."
So maybe Joey was just saying...and this comes through to me a bit.."You are there for them now, and I am okay...quit struggling..."
He was trying to tell me that my son is in incredible peace...but instead, he told me what I needed.
Last night I decided not to struggle anymore.
I lay down and said fuck it. I am done.
The dream sent to me in the sleeping was Mike and Bobby as little boys, and they needed care, so I cared for them. And, I was able to care for them.
Joey did not show up as a little boy, as he has in the past, where I cannot care for him or his brothers.
I woke up into this waking dream without that feeling of being a terrible mother who cannot care for her children properly as I have in the past.
I woke up with the feeling of being in a place where Joey does not need for me to care for him, but the others are still in the place and need me in some way.
I see Bobby's face when he calls me online, and he looks at me with great love as a child looks at a mother, my face must look like his mother, some aspect of me comforts him now.
And Mike told me, when I related to him I have dreams of feeling unloved.."Mom..if you only knew how loved you are..."
So maybe Joey was just saying...and this comes through to me a bit.."You are there for them now, and I am okay...quit struggling..."
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Grandchild
The play is sending another grandchild to play a part in it all, and I have evidently chosen to be a 'grandmother' again, that is the play, and the props are in place.
People near and far are rejoicing and justifying their own ego boats they are in by telling me how wonderful it is to be born and manifest a body and how lucky it is to be experiencing this.
I am very joyous that the Light is manifesting as a body called my grandchildren, and will welcome it with love and attention and enjoy the gift of the soul of this little one who chose to come from the Ocean of Light and Love and divinely inhale this dimension with this body I, too, have manifested.
I wonder why, though, no celebration occurs when the body is no longer manifested.
All I heard when my son stopped using the body was gloom from other people.
I hear only from those who have stopped using their bodies , such as near death experiencers, a celebration for my son.
I will surround myself with those people who celebrate his birth out of a body , and back home again with his father.
I live alone and speak to no one here. There is no slight flirtation now with surrendering to everything, and disappearing. There is no tip toeing around with spiritual books but still hanging onto any of this anymore.
Everything must go.
I have very little energy for the play and find myself, as I am in the body, pretending far too much to accomodate other people in their need for me to feed the justifications of their ego boats. How silly, when the ice could break underneath them at anytime as they paddle furiously with their names and positions and assurance that their bodies are who they are.
so, I do not answer the phone or have people around, and prefer the dogs , who ask for nothing, and the birds , who ask for nothing, and the cats, who ask for nothing. I lay on the bed with the dogs and sleep. It is enough. I feel myself wanting to call the movers to clear my home of what little is left of the furniture that has appeared, and clear away the props. The less of 'me', the more of God. The more of Joey, who knows God better than I can even consider.
The only thing keeping me from chucking it all is the non human animals, who I have taken on as friends, who count on me to keep them warm and love them. as they do for me.
I am totally alone, and yet surrounded by Joey and Bob and those who no longer use their bodies, and I speak with them always, because they are who I trust implicitly and will always lead this body into a right state.
I cannot even leave the house easily, I hide inside this containment, and know it is not real and there is no reason to leave unless a pull comes to do so. When I do, I am never really anywhere but in a state of not being there. There is no place. No place is everywhere. I know I am not seeing anything more then a limited spectrum of a conditioned mind.
I will be the grandmother, and do it well, because the innocent must be loved and laughed with and cared for and are so close to the angels. That is what shows up, and I love the innocent that show up at my door, and embrace them .
This body will not manifest soon enough in linear time, and so it is merely a conditioned mind that sees it as a hindrance, but sometimes I feel this inner struggle as tho a bird in a cage is trying to release itself and it jumps around inside looking for an exit. but no doors open and the bird has to settle down and accept it.
I ask Joey every morning in this space to send me something palatable to get through it, and he does. I ask him and his father and all of them to stay with me, I am so close. yet not in their understanding, yet.
People near and far are rejoicing and justifying their own ego boats they are in by telling me how wonderful it is to be born and manifest a body and how lucky it is to be experiencing this.
I am very joyous that the Light is manifesting as a body called my grandchildren, and will welcome it with love and attention and enjoy the gift of the soul of this little one who chose to come from the Ocean of Light and Love and divinely inhale this dimension with this body I, too, have manifested.
I wonder why, though, no celebration occurs when the body is no longer manifested.
All I heard when my son stopped using the body was gloom from other people.
I hear only from those who have stopped using their bodies , such as near death experiencers, a celebration for my son.
I will surround myself with those people who celebrate his birth out of a body , and back home again with his father.
I live alone and speak to no one here. There is no slight flirtation now with surrendering to everything, and disappearing. There is no tip toeing around with spiritual books but still hanging onto any of this anymore.
Everything must go.
I have very little energy for the play and find myself, as I am in the body, pretending far too much to accomodate other people in their need for me to feed the justifications of their ego boats. How silly, when the ice could break underneath them at anytime as they paddle furiously with their names and positions and assurance that their bodies are who they are.
so, I do not answer the phone or have people around, and prefer the dogs , who ask for nothing, and the birds , who ask for nothing, and the cats, who ask for nothing. I lay on the bed with the dogs and sleep. It is enough. I feel myself wanting to call the movers to clear my home of what little is left of the furniture that has appeared, and clear away the props. The less of 'me', the more of God. The more of Joey, who knows God better than I can even consider.
The only thing keeping me from chucking it all is the non human animals, who I have taken on as friends, who count on me to keep them warm and love them. as they do for me.
I am totally alone, and yet surrounded by Joey and Bob and those who no longer use their bodies, and I speak with them always, because they are who I trust implicitly and will always lead this body into a right state.
I cannot even leave the house easily, I hide inside this containment, and know it is not real and there is no reason to leave unless a pull comes to do so. When I do, I am never really anywhere but in a state of not being there. There is no place. No place is everywhere. I know I am not seeing anything more then a limited spectrum of a conditioned mind.
I will be the grandmother, and do it well, because the innocent must be loved and laughed with and cared for and are so close to the angels. That is what shows up, and I love the innocent that show up at my door, and embrace them .
This body will not manifest soon enough in linear time, and so it is merely a conditioned mind that sees it as a hindrance, but sometimes I feel this inner struggle as tho a bird in a cage is trying to release itself and it jumps around inside looking for an exit. but no doors open and the bird has to settle down and accept it.
I ask Joey every morning in this space to send me something palatable to get through it, and he does. I ask him and his father and all of them to stay with me, I am so close. yet not in their understanding, yet.
Friday, January 25, 2013
lay down.
I keep seeing people out of the right corner of my eye. I am heading down again, but at least I am aware of it and just watching it from some other place.
They seem to come around when I need them . so be it.
Dreams come and go, the latest is a recurring dream of being stuck in a building and getting off of elevators on all the wrong floors and not being able to escape.
Then there are the house dreams, beautiful houses I cannot stay in and keep planting flowers and gardens and then am rushed away to another home where I cannot stay. and the little creatures that live with me cannot be saved. They beg me to mother them and I try but cannot save them.
The first dream I remember as a 4 yr old child is when I dreamt I walked through the mirror in the dining room, and entered a world of many rooms, all of them bedrooms with beautiful places to lay down.
Perhaps that was my best dream. Going through the mirror.
No one would believe me if I told them I saw a large object shaped like a tube with bright lights on it in the sky when I was a 6 yr old. No one would believe me if I told them it had lights all along the side of it and hovered over my back meadows as a little girl.
So I dont tell people that.
I am tired of dreams of archetypes like Robin Williams who reject me as a lover.. Talk about annoying. I am only rejecting myself anyway.
Dreams I am not lovable enough are very annoying.
Only once did I have one where I knew something beloved was there and loving me.
The feeling I had when I woke up to this dream was joy.
I am tired of this play and even though I chose the play and wrote the script and have to let it play out, I am still tired of the part.
I am told I will not even care I did it when I no longer manifest as a body . I guess I will trust what the near death experiencers say to me. They are all I have now to trust, to what extent I can trust them.
I can trust Mooji's words more. He knows some things.
I am tired.I need to lay down for a while.
They seem to come around when I need them . so be it.
Dreams come and go, the latest is a recurring dream of being stuck in a building and getting off of elevators on all the wrong floors and not being able to escape.
Then there are the house dreams, beautiful houses I cannot stay in and keep planting flowers and gardens and then am rushed away to another home where I cannot stay. and the little creatures that live with me cannot be saved. They beg me to mother them and I try but cannot save them.
The first dream I remember as a 4 yr old child is when I dreamt I walked through the mirror in the dining room, and entered a world of many rooms, all of them bedrooms with beautiful places to lay down.
Perhaps that was my best dream. Going through the mirror.
No one would believe me if I told them I saw a large object shaped like a tube with bright lights on it in the sky when I was a 6 yr old. No one would believe me if I told them it had lights all along the side of it and hovered over my back meadows as a little girl.
So I dont tell people that.
I am tired of dreams of archetypes like Robin Williams who reject me as a lover.. Talk about annoying. I am only rejecting myself anyway.
Dreams I am not lovable enough are very annoying.
Only once did I have one where I knew something beloved was there and loving me.
The feeling I had when I woke up to this dream was joy.
I am tired of this play and even though I chose the play and wrote the script and have to let it play out, I am still tired of the part.
I am told I will not even care I did it when I no longer manifest as a body . I guess I will trust what the near death experiencers say to me. They are all I have now to trust, to what extent I can trust them.
I can trust Mooji's words more. He knows some things.
I am tired.I need to lay down for a while.
Monday, January 21, 2013
the baby
Went inside today to check on the new baby that is now going to be a grandchild of mine in this 'here' consciousness..sometimes I go in 'looking' and then when I do not look I get it.
A little girl with blondish curly hair with her brother holding her arm. She was wearing a dress of white and blue and laughing.
I had the vision in 2007 of the spirit boy (little Andy) and girl holding hands. I do not know what to make of any of this, so I wont make anything of it.
I saw nothing but shadows when I went in, when I asked the baby to let me see through it's eyes. I surrounded it with light, the uterus and the light was all around. I surrounded the whole earth with the same light.
I felt no issue to concern myself with. Saw again a pair of lovers, saw embrace. Dont know what that means.
Started towards a door.
Saw a membrane of sorts. Red. Started to analyze it and it disappeared.
Stop analyzing.
Whatever will be will just arise.
Lighten up.
A little girl with blondish curly hair with her brother holding her arm. She was wearing a dress of white and blue and laughing.
I had the vision in 2007 of the spirit boy (little Andy) and girl holding hands. I do not know what to make of any of this, so I wont make anything of it.
I saw nothing but shadows when I went in, when I asked the baby to let me see through it's eyes. I surrounded it with light, the uterus and the light was all around. I surrounded the whole earth with the same light.
I felt no issue to concern myself with. Saw again a pair of lovers, saw embrace. Dont know what that means.
Started towards a door.
Saw a membrane of sorts. Red. Started to analyze it and it disappeared.
Stop analyzing.
Whatever will be will just arise.
Lighten up.
Friday, January 18, 2013
obituary just for the heck of it
My dearest ones:
Please be aware that I did not die. Please be aware that there is no death. Yes, I always Am. I still Am. You are merely grieving the temporary vessel of manifestation you called 'Marianne'. That was a costume, and it was only used for a temporary period. It is perfectly alright to grieve it, if you must, but you are grieving a coat I wore.
I understand you may have been taught differently, and therefore feel the need to grieve. I honour that need, but announce once again to you that I did not die, and neither will you.
I assure you I always Am, and always have been, and always will Be.
To my sons who still manifest as bodies: please know I am always with you and I am also in celebration now as I have fully returned Home to where we all come from. I am in the Light and so are you, but your beliefs and bodies may keep you in limitation as to this. You are aware that I tried very hard in meditation to access that, to understand, while using my body, to fully be aware of the Love that your brother Joey and your father are in. I knew the body was a temporary manifestation, and was in preparation. That is all. I had to learn to 'die' so I could actually let the body 'die'. Remember, no one is just their 'body'.
This place was just a passing through for a little while.
I love you always. There is NO separation between us, even though you may think this. Do not believe there is separation. There is not. Just because you cannot see my body does not mean I am gone. Do NOT believe that nonsense.
Close your eyes and listen to your heart and your love for me, and I will always be with you.
Regret nothing. ! Always celebrate our short journey as we chose each other to be mother and sons even before we became 'bodies' in this place. We chose it for a reason.
Follow your hearts! Follow what you love the most! Follow the bliss that makes you happy!
Have no fear. When fear arises it is always false. It is bullshit! There is nothing but laughter and love and JOY that runs the whole show here. Remember that you are never alone, and are always with me and dad and Joey. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY OUR LOVE.
I always am and you always are. The 'earth' play we were in is just a temporary play for a wee bit. Don't take it seriously.
I will be there when it is your time to make the journey home. I promise. I am with you now.
I love you to infinity and beyond and you know that. When you feel that, it is me.
Please be aware that I did not die. Please be aware that there is no death. Yes, I always Am. I still Am. You are merely grieving the temporary vessel of manifestation you called 'Marianne'. That was a costume, and it was only used for a temporary period. It is perfectly alright to grieve it, if you must, but you are grieving a coat I wore.
I understand you may have been taught differently, and therefore feel the need to grieve. I honour that need, but announce once again to you that I did not die, and neither will you.
I assure you I always Am, and always have been, and always will Be.
To my sons who still manifest as bodies: please know I am always with you and I am also in celebration now as I have fully returned Home to where we all come from. I am in the Light and so are you, but your beliefs and bodies may keep you in limitation as to this. You are aware that I tried very hard in meditation to access that, to understand, while using my body, to fully be aware of the Love that your brother Joey and your father are in. I knew the body was a temporary manifestation, and was in preparation. That is all. I had to learn to 'die' so I could actually let the body 'die'. Remember, no one is just their 'body'.
This place was just a passing through for a little while.
I love you always. There is NO separation between us, even though you may think this. Do not believe there is separation. There is not. Just because you cannot see my body does not mean I am gone. Do NOT believe that nonsense.
Close your eyes and listen to your heart and your love for me, and I will always be with you.
Regret nothing. ! Always celebrate our short journey as we chose each other to be mother and sons even before we became 'bodies' in this place. We chose it for a reason.
Follow your hearts! Follow what you love the most! Follow the bliss that makes you happy!
Have no fear. When fear arises it is always false. It is bullshit! There is nothing but laughter and love and JOY that runs the whole show here. Remember that you are never alone, and are always with me and dad and Joey. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY OUR LOVE.
I always am and you always are. The 'earth' play we were in is just a temporary play for a wee bit. Don't take it seriously.
I will be there when it is your time to make the journey home. I promise. I am with you now.
I love you to infinity and beyond and you know that. When you feel that, it is me.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
As I was dying today
as I was dying this morning as I listened to the second from last of the Monroe Going Home tapes, I felt a sudden shift in this place and felt myself in a tunnel filled with stars my old star field friend but this time whirling thru it and everytime I started to whirl thru it the only thought that kept me going was the feeling of love for Joey it made it go faster
and when I started to think about anything else I would go bacwards, back. but when I started thinking of the Love I had for Joey I went forward and then
all black. a void. the deepest ever. a blackness so black and a quiet so quiet/
and the ego said 'You cannot go here'
and I said
shut up, my son went here, I will go here.
and then the Cd stopped.
I sat in a place of peace with that all day and tried to recreate it with the same CD but I could not because it wasnt meant to be a second time, you cannot recreate the experience because you want to, thats something desire says, so I accepted the next meditation. Nonetheless it has never been this far in.
Iiiii
and when I started to think about anything else I would go bacwards, back. but when I started thinking of the Love I had for Joey I went forward and then
all black. a void. the deepest ever. a blackness so black and a quiet so quiet/
and the ego said 'You cannot go here'
and I said
shut up, my son went here, I will go here.
and then the Cd stopped.
I sat in a place of peace with that all day and tried to recreate it with the same CD but I could not because it wasnt meant to be a second time, you cannot recreate the experience because you want to, thats something desire says, so I accepted the next meditation. Nonetheless it has never been this far in.
Iiiii
obliterated
listening to the cds' of Going Home by Bob Monroe . this last one. obliterated.
who needs Kali I painted her out.
when was reaching into the void the ego said you dont want to go there and said to ego
my son went there i will go there quit being silly you go there
and expanded
feel 100000000000000000times infinity feet wide and tall
something something
who needs Kali I painted her out.
when was reaching into the void the ego said you dont want to go there and said to ego
my son went there i will go there quit being silly you go there
and expanded
feel 100000000000000000times infinity feet wide and tall
something something
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
pAINTING KALI
The art never lies does it. so this play this form called marianne has been doing this since it was a little child. even at 19 yrs old painting the walls of the bedroom with reclining goddesses and especially why did i paint a tombstone with the words 'Life is a Jest and all things show it, I thought so once and now I know it.'
and the woman I knew who warned me in theater school not to question the fabric of the universe or i would go insane. silly girl.
painting Kali as with all the paintings starts with the essence of the energy to incarnate her she has to be solid but moving she is firm but slashing she stands on my corpse with monstrous strength but she is pregnant with possibilities she is laughing maniacally because it is necessary for her to do her work to allow the light to break in and for the form to recycle
the abstract portion of her first then on to the detail and the first time 6 arms must be solidified onto a body but they must all be in motion with the task of slashing away all that which must be destroyed
just have fun doing this, marianne self, she is having fun cutting you to pieces at warp speed
i want to hear thunder come from the painting
and the woman I knew who warned me in theater school not to question the fabric of the universe or i would go insane. silly girl.
painting Kali as with all the paintings starts with the essence of the energy to incarnate her she has to be solid but moving she is firm but slashing she stands on my corpse with monstrous strength but she is pregnant with possibilities she is laughing maniacally because it is necessary for her to do her work to allow the light to break in and for the form to recycle
the abstract portion of her first then on to the detail and the first time 6 arms must be solidified onto a body but they must all be in motion with the task of slashing away all that which must be destroyed
just have fun doing this, marianne self, she is having fun cutting you to pieces at warp speed
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
vivid dreams
at the sleeping state, wildly vivid as each character archetype that was once considered a need or a want, and a desire, are being burned off one by one
something is going on behind the scenes of this play
a swath of characters are being destroyed and rearranged into something else
want, desire, approval, need, all in their costumes are being slaughtered
waking into this waking state i can feel them burnt off and a little more clarity occurs
perhaps Kali heard my call
something is going on behind the scenes of this play
a swath of characters are being destroyed and rearranged into something else
want, desire, approval, need, all in their costumes are being slaughtered
waking into this waking state i can feel them burnt off and a little more clarity occurs
perhaps Kali heard my call
there are no rules
Diving in
someone asked me on the ACISTE forum if I had the discipline to meditate and demand 'show me' for 30 minutes a day.
try hours.
when one's child leaves the residence of their body, you dive in after them, while still inhabiting the body. you do not half dive or maybe dive or touch the water with your toes.
you fucking dive to the deepest possible place
and it gets deeper and deeper the more you dive
starting to feel the body turning into waves these past few sessions. hands starting to lift off.
saw my own face looking at my own face
waiting for the new CDs to arrive from monroe. got to dive in deeper. water is too shallow at f12 f15 now.
dont follow anyone elses path just start a new one through the bramble that no one believes you can get through.
deep jungle i dreamed of in 1984 in south haven as i cut my way through the jungle looking for the answer to what love was?
yeah now i know what that dream meant.
someone asked me on the ACISTE forum if I had the discipline to meditate and demand 'show me' for 30 minutes a day.
try hours.
when one's child leaves the residence of their body, you dive in after them, while still inhabiting the body. you do not half dive or maybe dive or touch the water with your toes.
you fucking dive to the deepest possible place
and it gets deeper and deeper the more you dive
starting to feel the body turning into waves these past few sessions. hands starting to lift off.
saw my own face looking at my own face
waiting for the new CDs to arrive from monroe. got to dive in deeper. water is too shallow at f12 f15 now.
dont follow anyone elses path just start a new one through the bramble that no one believes you can get through.
deep jungle i dreamed of in 1984 in south haven as i cut my way through the jungle looking for the answer to what love was?
yeah now i know what that dream meant.
Monday, January 7, 2013
quit asking them
Well, I asked a whole shitload of people who have had NDE's if they would grieve at all if one of their children crossed out of their bodies, and all I got was a shitload of different answers.
I mean, these people were THERE in the LIGHT and LOVE and they still cannot say no, I would not, perhaps it would soften it a bit but they cannot tell if they would grieve, or maybe they would, or whatever.
I compare this quest I have to know that LOVE my son is in to the same concerns I had when I sent him to a school. First, I checked out the school to make sure it was safe, to make sure the teachers were good, to make sure he was in a safe and loving environment.
Now I am supposed to merely take it on 'good faith' that he is in a safe and loving environment without having even attended the damned place and checked it out! Horseshit!
Either I am allowed to know the LOVE he is in, or I spend the rest of this play waiting to get out of this play. Not one moment of peace will occur until I know. I am aware that means a hellishly awful time in this play.
But I am done trying to make the play palatable. Only one thing will make it palatable, and that is to know the LOVE my son is in. Anything else is bullshit.
At least I have the weary knowledge that eventually I will know. It will mean my last silly breath in this animated corpse, but at least I know I am headed in that direction.
In the meantime, learning to make Purgatory palatable enough to muddle through.
I mean, these people were THERE in the LIGHT and LOVE and they still cannot say no, I would not, perhaps it would soften it a bit but they cannot tell if they would grieve, or maybe they would, or whatever.
I compare this quest I have to know that LOVE my son is in to the same concerns I had when I sent him to a school. First, I checked out the school to make sure it was safe, to make sure the teachers were good, to make sure he was in a safe and loving environment.
Now I am supposed to merely take it on 'good faith' that he is in a safe and loving environment without having even attended the damned place and checked it out! Horseshit!
Either I am allowed to know the LOVE he is in, or I spend the rest of this play waiting to get out of this play. Not one moment of peace will occur until I know. I am aware that means a hellishly awful time in this play.
But I am done trying to make the play palatable. Only one thing will make it palatable, and that is to know the LOVE my son is in. Anything else is bullshit.
At least I have the weary knowledge that eventually I will know. It will mean my last silly breath in this animated corpse, but at least I know I am headed in that direction.
In the meantime, learning to make Purgatory palatable enough to muddle through.
stop.
impatience has a way of tiring one out, which is a good thing because one has to stop and give up.
some guy posted to let the rose bloom on it's own and try not to force it.
paradox is that the rose already bloomed but like a star that already died and one just sees the light now, same thing. nature teaches.
of course, nature is only what is inside of me anyway showing itself on the outside.
then that makes every thing a divine moment, i guess. everything becomes divine.
too tired to fight god now. might as well play video games.
some guy posted to let the rose bloom on it's own and try not to force it.
paradox is that the rose already bloomed but like a star that already died and one just sees the light now, same thing. nature teaches.
of course, nature is only what is inside of me anyway showing itself on the outside.
then that makes every thing a divine moment, i guess. everything becomes divine.
too tired to fight god now. might as well play video games.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
throwing it away
so much anger today so much anger. watching the cupboards bang and screaming at the dogs and slamming the cleaner around.
laid down and threw it all away down the black hole, everything, threw marianne down again, threw all the concepts of children, grandchildren, the whole thing down the hole and asked for one thing ..to let it go..what is holding me to it? the me part? what won't let go? throw it all down!! all of it. let her die , please but something is holding on to something
just the ego talking they will tell me, all the well meaning people out there who assure me of their own happiness. but they live in the place of lala land where nothing disappears down their rabbit hole and they think they are exempt. boy will they be surprised.
woman calls me today to tell me her daughter won a prestigious academic award. all the power of bringing up some aspect of a 'self' occurs, and tell her 'thats wonderful, tell your daughter that i am happy for her' but then the weariness of that 'self' coming up was too much. i wont answer the phone , too much 'self' occuring with that, people who want marianne back.
what is holding on? why won't it just go? go go gogogogogogogo away marianne. disappear. go!!! get rid of her. throw her out.
saw visions of puppets on strings being handled by cloud beings, their hands holding the many many many puppets, little dolls walking and gesticulating about from the cloud people's hands who held the puppets wires and wood attachments and made them dance. dance, puppets, walk around here and there.
some of the puppets dropped and lay there.
so thats how it is.
stupid puppet show.
laid down and threw it all away down the black hole, everything, threw marianne down again, threw all the concepts of children, grandchildren, the whole thing down the hole and asked for one thing ..to let it go..what is holding me to it? the me part? what won't let go? throw it all down!! all of it. let her die , please but something is holding on to something
just the ego talking they will tell me, all the well meaning people out there who assure me of their own happiness. but they live in the place of lala land where nothing disappears down their rabbit hole and they think they are exempt. boy will they be surprised.
woman calls me today to tell me her daughter won a prestigious academic award. all the power of bringing up some aspect of a 'self' occurs, and tell her 'thats wonderful, tell your daughter that i am happy for her' but then the weariness of that 'self' coming up was too much. i wont answer the phone , too much 'self' occuring with that, people who want marianne back.
what is holding on? why won't it just go? go go gogogogogogogo away marianne. disappear. go!!! get rid of her. throw her out.
saw visions of puppets on strings being handled by cloud beings, their hands holding the many many many puppets, little dolls walking and gesticulating about from the cloud people's hands who held the puppets wires and wood attachments and made them dance. dance, puppets, walk around here and there.
some of the puppets dropped and lay there.
so thats how it is.
stupid puppet show.
Kali
I understand Kali now, even though I read about her years ago in linear time when I was rearranging my gods and goddesses to disassociate from catholicism.
Visions of people came, all of them walking onto an ocean of thin ice..some stayed on the shore, some tentatively touched the ice with their feet, some hesitated, but walked onto the ice not too sure of how thick or thin it was. Some carried meters with them to check the ice, to see if it was possible to walk on it.
Some fell through. I felt the ice break right when I was skating on it, assured that it was terribly thick. It crashed through and I went ass over teakettle into the murky water and never came back up .
Kali had pulled out her swords, all 6 or 8 of them, and cut the ice like a true queen, she is still chopping away, with a benevolent but nonplussed look, and I created her, or so says my NDE friends.
She is still merrily hacking away and I can only sit and watch her with that same benevolent face, because she does not move fast enough for me sometimes, but that is merely the shreds of ego speaking. Faster, faster. Let's get down to the nitty gritty, the crack in the wall where Love shines in, please storm the castle walls and allow some Light to penetrate, so I can know this Love I keep hearing about.
Not a shred of ice can be left standing.
Visions of people came, all of them walking onto an ocean of thin ice..some stayed on the shore, some tentatively touched the ice with their feet, some hesitated, but walked onto the ice not too sure of how thick or thin it was. Some carried meters with them to check the ice, to see if it was possible to walk on it.
Some fell through. I felt the ice break right when I was skating on it, assured that it was terribly thick. It crashed through and I went ass over teakettle into the murky water and never came back up .
Kali had pulled out her swords, all 6 or 8 of them, and cut the ice like a true queen, she is still chopping away, with a benevolent but nonplussed look, and I created her, or so says my NDE friends.
She is still merrily hacking away and I can only sit and watch her with that same benevolent face, because she does not move fast enough for me sometimes, but that is merely the shreds of ego speaking. Faster, faster. Let's get down to the nitty gritty, the crack in the wall where Love shines in, please storm the castle walls and allow some Light to penetrate, so I can know this Love I keep hearing about.
Not a shred of ice can be left standing.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
When Shakti kicks Shiva
Still refuse to participate.What a stupid paradox. By not participating, it is still a participation.
Can't get out of it.
Nonetheless, this morning in this play the battery died on the illusory car that is being imagined in the illusory driveway.
Called the tow truck repair to come and charge the battery. accept it as part of the play.
no big deal. the battery died. it was supposed to die for some reason.
The truck shows up and a man gets out. He recognizes me, and I see he is one of the children who used to come to my house when my own children were young.
He asks 'me' how the battery died, after 'I' give him a hug.
I tell him that my son probably accidentally left the door open when he used the car last night and the light was left on.
He smiles and asks me if it was Joey who drove the car.
I tell him what happened to Joey. He didn't know. He had played with Joey as a child.
Why do I have to tell this to someone who did not know.
I assure him that Joey is fine and just not using his body anymore.
He seems perplexed.
My car is working now.
Why? all this today.
do not know why.
Can't get out of it.
Nonetheless, this morning in this play the battery died on the illusory car that is being imagined in the illusory driveway.
Called the tow truck repair to come and charge the battery. accept it as part of the play.
no big deal. the battery died. it was supposed to die for some reason.
The truck shows up and a man gets out. He recognizes me, and I see he is one of the children who used to come to my house when my own children were young.
He asks 'me' how the battery died, after 'I' give him a hug.
I tell him that my son probably accidentally left the door open when he used the car last night and the light was left on.
He smiles and asks me if it was Joey who drove the car.
I tell him what happened to Joey. He didn't know. He had played with Joey as a child.
Why do I have to tell this to someone who did not know.
I assure him that Joey is fine and just not using his body anymore.
He seems perplexed.
My car is working now.
Why? all this today.
do not know why.
Friday, January 4, 2013
The End
The room where the old woman lay was quiet. Shadows occasionally walked across the walls, making no sound. People, and a shake of whispers outside the door. It was all the old woman knew now.
She lay with only her ears to hear the thud or click or whish . A hum. A cough.
Why die with so much quiet? Even at the end of the play, the woman was annoyed.
"Make some noise!" her mind barked. The words never made the journey to her mouth.
A parade of air spit itself out.
She heard her children . "Mom, we love you. It's okay Mom, time to go. Go. I love you Mom."...
Oh, those were the shadows. Time to Go.
The airbags were slowing down. The engine, like a cartoon, was sputtering and wheezing. The crankcase collapsed.
and then.
She looked down at the comforter on the bed.
"Someone did not make the bed." What a fucking mess.
OH! she poked at the strange lumpy thing.
"Hah! Just as I thought . An old dress. I was wearing some old odd dress. What a silly idea. I suppose everyone thought that was me! Who the hell wrote this play? A 2nd grader? All the comedy and tragedy worthy of Shakespeare and someone comes along and scribbles and spits out a few tepid lines. Harumph."
She sat on the edge of the bed , vainly attempting to smooth out the coverlet.
"Goddamnit".
Well, she pondered, I have no hands anymore.
"Hold on a second." she snapped her imaginary fingers..."So where are you?" "YOU the great IAM, the big Kahuna, the slap happy son of a bitch with the wide grin and ice cream?"
"Right here."
The stench of goat cheese was a reliable compass. The woman turned her imaginary eyes and stared.
"Oh, it's you.THAT one. God. No. You aren't." she waved her pretend finger in his nose.
"IT IS I! JEHOVAH!"
Maybe this play was not so bad after all. The woman chuckled.
"No, you are that guy the nuns told me about. I remember you. You told me if I turned around in church I would turn into a pillar of salt like Lot, and if I bit down on the sacred host that blood would pour out of my mouth. Uh .huh. You know I never quite believed that."
"YOU WROTE ME A LETTER."
The woman yawned at Yahweh.
"I did, I do remember that." She had written him a letter. snap. When she was in the play, camera , action, age 6.
"Yes, I did, I threw it out the window of my upstairs bedroom and asked you to protect my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and you didn't answer me. You also...1. destroyed the earth with a flood, 2. made up so many rules no one could possibly follow them 3. are a man and you remind me of Santa Claus, not GOD, and I hated being a girl for a long time thanks to you. So, bugger off."
"OKAY".
and god trotted off to sulk in a corner of the room. Where he stuck in His Thumb and pulled out a Plum.
The woman dismissed him like a sad clap.
"Jesus, what a stench." she phewed and waved her hand at the now shrinking little fellow who was devouring figs and goat cheese.
"You called?"
With a swift flash,dash and a parting of clouds a bearded man danced merrily into her view.
"taDa!"
"So, another one. " the woman rolled her no eyes. "You are the Sugar Plum Fairy?"
The avatar sat next to her . thump. He rebooted.
"I am Jesus!! remember me? " he leaned in close, and whispered.."i am the nice one.." he pointed half heartedly to the Bedouin tent, now half finished in the corner of her former room which was filling up with sheep and baying lambs..
"Jesus, LIVEStock!" the old woman croaked like a frog as she viewed the ever growing menagerie
"Want me to..." jesus snapped his fingers "Make them disappear? I can do it. I can do anything !"
Magic tricks. So, that's his scam, the woman thought darkly. He was cruising for a bruising. What did he think, she was born on a turnip truck and fell off?
"Listen!" she shook Jesus and his eyes rolled like a cheap slot machine. "You can't just go around making millions of fish and feeding everyone and turning water into wine and healing lepers and sputtering off nonsense and expect me to just believe in you like a drop of a hat!"
jesus was perplexed. "But, you see, I didn't do any of that. The old man told them to say it about me. "
"OHHH. " the woman patted his now slumped and sorry shoulder. "I gotcha. The old man whispered that to them and they made you into some god and then put you on a pedestal and worshipped you and now you show up with a deck of cards to save your reputation with me! Well, it is not going to work. Either you are God or you aren't. Either way, I do NOT want any more of you coming into my room. Old Goat Breath over there has a Harem now, and this place reeks of olive oil. HEY! YOU! YEAH THE GUY WITH NO TEETH! QUIT ANOINTING YOURSELF IN MY BEDROOM! CANT YOU SEE I AM DEAD!"
Jesus smiled. His blue eyes sparkled as he whispered to the woman. "I'm a Jew, but don't tell the Goyim."
"Yeah, yeah." the woman almost shouted over the now wandering pigs and cattle. "Just round up these critters and let me figure this God business out with out disturbing me anymore, and NO MORE rabbits out of a hat, blood stained crosses, or flagellation, k? I really disliked flagellation."
Jesus smiled, his eyes closed , and he resembled a delicious sigh as he walked quietly over the river
"AND GET THAT RIVER OUT OF MY ROOM!!" the woman brandished her imaginary slipper at his head.
"Yes, ma'am!" jesus scuttled.
The old woman looked over at her bed and wondered where her body had disappeared to. The comforter had long since been replaced by a dancing bevy of well endowed Wives, which, she noticed, Jehovah was enjoying immensely as he clapped his now oil stained palms with glee.
"GET THOSE WOMEN OFF MY BED!! YOU STOLE THEM ANYWAY , FROM THE GODDESS! "
"Indeed."
a musical jolt flicked open a small doorway. purple and blue transmutated smoky auras surrounded the old woman, who tapped her spiritual foot, as she waited for the NEXT performance to present itself.
The cameras rolled.
"We were in the closet!"
The old woman rubbed her eyes, as the hazy apparitions formed into a myriad of females, not only females but large women BIG women with big asses and tits and breasts and legs and ameythst and pearls and golden crowns and scepters and arms and legs and did she say legs? and more arms and scythes and lunar moons and heaps of moundy fleshy cellulite and swords and
"WAIT A MINUTE!!". the old woman held up her now shining hand.
"This room is so crowded I may have to start charging rent."
The Goddesses all laughed. Except for Artemis, who was still really pissed off.
"I am not as pissed off as Kali!" she reminded the woman, pointing to what resembled an octopus entangled in a net of coconuts with facial features.
"Look." said the old woman with her now ridiculously starry mouth "I appreciate that you all showed up. You were actually a lot of fun once, you saved me from that " her thumb mumbled over to the throne of Jehovah where Jesus sat happily eating the leftovers his father threw him from the rotting sheep carcass...
"OH! of course! Happy to Help!" giggled the Goddesses. "We never liked him anyway, He kept saying his penis was God, and we kept reminding him he didn't have a Vagina and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth til we finally told him to Fuck Off...and he did..and that is why this world is such as it is, poor world. All those penises. That is why we sent Martha Stewart, we knew she could clean it up."
"We need a LYRE!" shouted one of the ...million..women now sprawled out over the floor, as pillows and curtains and jewels and eggs were tossed merrily about.
The old woman sat and crossed her ever shiny legs. This was a madhouse. Hmm, she pondered, as she tapped her chin. Perhaps this was part of the play. Maybe it was not as boring as she had imagined it to be.
"Okay!" the old woman stood up on a large drum someone had pranced into the room. "Okay OKAY OKAYYYYYYYYYY SHUT UPPPPPPP EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!"
The goats were the last to hear her.
With a poof, a puff, a piffle and a pfft.
They all just left.
One goat looked at her, his eyes thanked her for saving him from the next sacrificial blood letting, and then..groink..he too was gone.
The old woman lay down . She laid back into the comforter and sighed. Ah. just lay down.
The quiet returned.
She closed her eyes, now bright with light.
"I am going now, this play is silly."
Shhhh. Shhhhh. warmth. arms. more arms. more warm. so warm.
She lay in the arms of ....
"Mom, you can fly now."
"I can? OH! I CAN!!!"
"Wait. Where is God.?"
"Mom. "
"God? Joey?"
"You get it now. Man you are a tough nut to crack, Mom. Hey, Dad..MOm's here. She is getting it."
The woman flew away with her son.
The end.
She lay with only her ears to hear the thud or click or whish . A hum. A cough.
Why die with so much quiet? Even at the end of the play, the woman was annoyed.
"Make some noise!" her mind barked. The words never made the journey to her mouth.
A parade of air spit itself out.
She heard her children . "Mom, we love you. It's okay Mom, time to go. Go. I love you Mom."...
Oh, those were the shadows. Time to Go.
The airbags were slowing down. The engine, like a cartoon, was sputtering and wheezing. The crankcase collapsed.
and then.
She looked down at the comforter on the bed.
"Someone did not make the bed." What a fucking mess.
OH! she poked at the strange lumpy thing.
"Hah! Just as I thought . An old dress. I was wearing some old odd dress. What a silly idea. I suppose everyone thought that was me! Who the hell wrote this play? A 2nd grader? All the comedy and tragedy worthy of Shakespeare and someone comes along and scribbles and spits out a few tepid lines. Harumph."
She sat on the edge of the bed , vainly attempting to smooth out the coverlet.
"Goddamnit".
Well, she pondered, I have no hands anymore.
"Hold on a second." she snapped her imaginary fingers..."So where are you?" "YOU the great IAM, the big Kahuna, the slap happy son of a bitch with the wide grin and ice cream?"
"Right here."
The stench of goat cheese was a reliable compass. The woman turned her imaginary eyes and stared.
"Oh, it's you.THAT one. God. No. You aren't." she waved her pretend finger in his nose.
"IT IS I! JEHOVAH!"
Maybe this play was not so bad after all. The woman chuckled.
"No, you are that guy the nuns told me about. I remember you. You told me if I turned around in church I would turn into a pillar of salt like Lot, and if I bit down on the sacred host that blood would pour out of my mouth. Uh .huh. You know I never quite believed that."
"YOU WROTE ME A LETTER."
The woman yawned at Yahweh.
"I did, I do remember that." She had written him a letter. snap. When she was in the play, camera , action, age 6.
"Yes, I did, I threw it out the window of my upstairs bedroom and asked you to protect my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and you didn't answer me. You also...1. destroyed the earth with a flood, 2. made up so many rules no one could possibly follow them 3. are a man and you remind me of Santa Claus, not GOD, and I hated being a girl for a long time thanks to you. So, bugger off."
"OKAY".
and god trotted off to sulk in a corner of the room. Where he stuck in His Thumb and pulled out a Plum.
The woman dismissed him like a sad clap.
"Jesus, what a stench." she phewed and waved her hand at the now shrinking little fellow who was devouring figs and goat cheese.
"You called?"
With a swift flash,dash and a parting of clouds a bearded man danced merrily into her view.
"taDa!"
"So, another one. " the woman rolled her no eyes. "You are the Sugar Plum Fairy?"
The avatar sat next to her . thump. He rebooted.
"I am Jesus!! remember me? " he leaned in close, and whispered.."i am the nice one.." he pointed half heartedly to the Bedouin tent, now half finished in the corner of her former room which was filling up with sheep and baying lambs..
"Jesus, LIVEStock!" the old woman croaked like a frog as she viewed the ever growing menagerie
"Want me to..." jesus snapped his fingers "Make them disappear? I can do it. I can do anything !"
Magic tricks. So, that's his scam, the woman thought darkly. He was cruising for a bruising. What did he think, she was born on a turnip truck and fell off?
"Listen!" she shook Jesus and his eyes rolled like a cheap slot machine. "You can't just go around making millions of fish and feeding everyone and turning water into wine and healing lepers and sputtering off nonsense and expect me to just believe in you like a drop of a hat!"
jesus was perplexed. "But, you see, I didn't do any of that. The old man told them to say it about me. "
"OHHH. " the woman patted his now slumped and sorry shoulder. "I gotcha. The old man whispered that to them and they made you into some god and then put you on a pedestal and worshipped you and now you show up with a deck of cards to save your reputation with me! Well, it is not going to work. Either you are God or you aren't. Either way, I do NOT want any more of you coming into my room. Old Goat Breath over there has a Harem now, and this place reeks of olive oil. HEY! YOU! YEAH THE GUY WITH NO TEETH! QUIT ANOINTING YOURSELF IN MY BEDROOM! CANT YOU SEE I AM DEAD!"
Jesus smiled. His blue eyes sparkled as he whispered to the woman. "I'm a Jew, but don't tell the Goyim."
"Yeah, yeah." the woman almost shouted over the now wandering pigs and cattle. "Just round up these critters and let me figure this God business out with out disturbing me anymore, and NO MORE rabbits out of a hat, blood stained crosses, or flagellation, k? I really disliked flagellation."
Jesus smiled, his eyes closed , and he resembled a delicious sigh as he walked quietly over the river
"AND GET THAT RIVER OUT OF MY ROOM!!" the woman brandished her imaginary slipper at his head.
"Yes, ma'am!" jesus scuttled.
The old woman looked over at her bed and wondered where her body had disappeared to. The comforter had long since been replaced by a dancing bevy of well endowed Wives, which, she noticed, Jehovah was enjoying immensely as he clapped his now oil stained palms with glee.
"GET THOSE WOMEN OFF MY BED!! YOU STOLE THEM ANYWAY , FROM THE GODDESS! "
"Indeed."
a musical jolt flicked open a small doorway. purple and blue transmutated smoky auras surrounded the old woman, who tapped her spiritual foot, as she waited for the NEXT performance to present itself.
The cameras rolled.
"We were in the closet!"
The old woman rubbed her eyes, as the hazy apparitions formed into a myriad of females, not only females but large women BIG women with big asses and tits and breasts and legs and ameythst and pearls and golden crowns and scepters and arms and legs and did she say legs? and more arms and scythes and lunar moons and heaps of moundy fleshy cellulite and swords and
"WAIT A MINUTE!!". the old woman held up her now shining hand.
"This room is so crowded I may have to start charging rent."
The Goddesses all laughed. Except for Artemis, who was still really pissed off.
"I am not as pissed off as Kali!" she reminded the woman, pointing to what resembled an octopus entangled in a net of coconuts with facial features.
"Look." said the old woman with her now ridiculously starry mouth "I appreciate that you all showed up. You were actually a lot of fun once, you saved me from that " her thumb mumbled over to the throne of Jehovah where Jesus sat happily eating the leftovers his father threw him from the rotting sheep carcass...
"OH! of course! Happy to Help!" giggled the Goddesses. "We never liked him anyway, He kept saying his penis was God, and we kept reminding him he didn't have a Vagina and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth til we finally told him to Fuck Off...and he did..and that is why this world is such as it is, poor world. All those penises. That is why we sent Martha Stewart, we knew she could clean it up."
"We need a LYRE!" shouted one of the ...million..women now sprawled out over the floor, as pillows and curtains and jewels and eggs were tossed merrily about.
The old woman sat and crossed her ever shiny legs. This was a madhouse. Hmm, she pondered, as she tapped her chin. Perhaps this was part of the play. Maybe it was not as boring as she had imagined it to be.
"Okay!" the old woman stood up on a large drum someone had pranced into the room. "Okay OKAY OKAYYYYYYYYYY SHUT UPPPPPPP EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!"
The goats were the last to hear her.
With a poof, a puff, a piffle and a pfft.
They all just left.
One goat looked at her, his eyes thanked her for saving him from the next sacrificial blood letting, and then..groink..he too was gone.
The old woman lay down . She laid back into the comforter and sighed. Ah. just lay down.
The quiet returned.
She closed her eyes, now bright with light.
"I am going now, this play is silly."
Shhhh. Shhhhh. warmth. arms. more arms. more warm. so warm.
She lay in the arms of ....
"Mom, you can fly now."
"I can? OH! I CAN!!!"
"Wait. Where is God.?"
"Mom. "
"God? Joey?"
"You get it now. Man you are a tough nut to crack, Mom. Hey, Dad..MOm's here. She is getting it."
The woman flew away with her son.
The end.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
won't participate
Took the Calendar and X'ed out all of the Holidays . Might be in this 'play' but do not have to participate in it at all. Leave enough ego to drive a car and that is all. Will only pretend to participate for those little souls called 'grandchildren' when they wish for the 'grandmother' role to be played. Otherwise, no acting . She's dead, Jim! hahahahahahahahaha.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This stupid play deserves one star.
According to my new NDE friend, Ellyn, this whole thing is a stinking 'play' and this 'I' is just an actor, PLUS, she tells me, a huge BIGGER I, the Higher Self or some such thing, not only wrote the script, and set the scenes, and picked the props, it actually CHOSE the whole thing.
I.E. , Higher Self Me was just standing around in the Light and decided.."Oh, I shall incarnate into something, because it's so damned boring in the LOVING LIGHT, and become a female and have children and husbands and they will pass away !" But the Higher Self Me also decided to write in other sons and grandchildren just in case the actor, me in 3 dimensions, didn't end up in the loony bin from madness.
What kind of stupid Higher Self would write such a play? This has got to be the lamest script ever written.
This better be the last fucking act . Getting itchy for the 'play' to be over with.
I.E. , Higher Self Me was just standing around in the Light and decided.."Oh, I shall incarnate into something, because it's so damned boring in the LOVING LIGHT, and become a female and have children and husbands and they will pass away !" But the Higher Self Me also decided to write in other sons and grandchildren just in case the actor, me in 3 dimensions, didn't end up in the loony bin from madness.
What kind of stupid Higher Self would write such a play? This has got to be the lamest script ever written.
This better be the last fucking act . Getting itchy for the 'play' to be over with.
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