Friday, April 26, 2013

sit still.

the sages say sit still. the sages say don't move. the sages say you are. you are. that is all. the sages say you are. i am. that is all. there is no other place but i am.


dont even know what love is. this me here posts that on FB and realizes it hasnt got a fucking clue.

the sages say the i am is love.

blind faith here.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

watching the world explode in meditation

saw it destroyed, blowing up, like a nuclear holocaust or the sun just swallowing it up...very beautiful, slow motion ..or maybe it was being birthed...same thing. ....just fires of lava and explosions with no noise....quite beautiful...

and then flew over a city i do not know which one, where there were parking garages with funny cartoon characters painted onto the cement spaces..

and then a glimpse of a fly around the edge of the planet as a wave of clouds presented themselves wafting off the planet and the stars showed up in the background...



---------------------

i dont go in asking for joey now i think he must be busy. i go in with the word 'surrender'. i feel like i am bugging him or something. or counting on him too much.


Friday, April 12, 2013

some days i just dont want to be here

I already know it's just my ego talking, but I watched my little self looking up how many pills it would take to take myself over. Some days I watch 'her' do that, and know she is going to probably not do it, but there is some peace in knowing it can be done.

I couldn't do that to the other kids, though. But just knowing I can do it, gives me peace. If I want to stop this whole show, I can.

Every fucking sage out there has all the goddamned answers but not one , except for Mooji, has had a child stop using their body. I have no idea what happened to him, but it isn't happening to me.

I am just tired.

By the way, it takes 120 pills and 3 bottles of wine to do it.

I won't.

But if Bobby and Mike weren't here, I would.


Monday, April 8, 2013

throwing it out there

meditation all day but i am not satisfied...perhaps my ego is desiring. it is like i have hit a blockage. perhaps Joey feels i am aware enough not to show up now. or perhaps my ego needs to be hit by a nuclear bomb.

Ayahuasca.


sending it out there, already asked a friend online where to go.


the ego needs to be decimated. perhaps the nuclear strike is ayahuasca.

so be it if it is meant to be.

awaiting an answer from the universe.


destroying that illusory veil.


got to know my son.

..........

one of the discussion boards I visited was debating the concept of whether linear time exists. I had brought up the subject, foolishly again, that past present and future are all in the same place.

this bothers people a lot.

i do not begin to state i know i know this. i just know i was conditioned (even with a picture in my mind) of 'time' going from left to right, from birth thru death and a void on either side. I can draw the picture. i see it even now. i used to see it as a child. perhaps a nun showed it to me. i don't know. nuns told me a lot of crap. once a nun tried to explain infinity to me (so i would understand hell)..she told me to imagine a bird flying up to a large steel ball in the sky as large as the sun....every thousand years the bird would fly up there and flap it's wings once at the ball. she told me 'when that steel ball is demolished by the flapping of that bird every thousand years...well, thats how long eternity is!'....as a child i shuddered at the thought of such a long time...

now i am trying to picture the universe in layers, one inside the other, like little russian dolls....its not easy making a new picture of multi dimensions....i just know now that my 'eyes' and 'ears' pick up only the teeniest  spectrums of frequencies, and they are not to be trusted. they have been conditioned also. they lie all the time. 'oh that is a chair!' 'oh that is the sound of a truck!' but they do not wish to hear or see what else is going on they are lazy.

i have to close them off to 'hear' and 'see'. sometimes they flicker, tho, and out of the corner of the left eye i see something and then it goes away. i am so sure it is a figure. then it is gone. but not gone, my conditioned brain just ignores it. it has been taught to filter out everything as a security valve to keep me a decent member of society.

only when i paint or draw am i allowed to open the faucets up and let it come out and it is usually just taking energy and forming it.

which is all this all is anyway.

so Joey is the creator of his own form as a Joey in this place and he is still creating from his source connected to everything, as am I. both of us are sitting together making dreams and plays and it never ends. it just is.

i watch what the sages say online, so many of them i could fill a football stadium with them, but i dont necessarily take to heart any of it . i just read it and wonder what they mean because they are always talking thru their own filters. even mooji. even buddha. all of them. i just watch and listen and wait.


the more i do know, since there is no past present or future , is that none of this is at all serious and is a lot of silliness. it makes no sense and has no meaning whatsoever to it. i might as well be a flower for all the sense this makes.

trying not to get bogged down in it is another thing, if i am just energy formed as an illusory dream, the last thing i want is to slog thru it, might as well dance.

Joey seems to think so , too. I know he is okay but i want him to come and let me know again and again and i am filled with desire which , as the mighty sages say, is a no no.


so i just wait til i no longer do this dance as an 'i'.    


they also tell me to love myself. i have no idea what that means.



maybe i never loved marianne but i am going to take the leap of faith that she is loved somewhere within this mess of multidimensional universality. somewhere.


i envy anita moorjani , she knows now she is loved. she beams.



Friday, April 5, 2013

roller coaster

Reading all the statuses of sages can be very tiring. One says 'to merge with the source', the other says 'to watch from the observer but not to identify even with the observer'...

I 'sort' of get it...then I remember there is no 'I' so why am I typing the word 'I...' maybe words are limiting...yes, they are.

In the meantime, someone tells me 'You cuss too much.'

I say to him ' Does that bother you?'

He says "yes, sometimes.'

So I watch 'me' roll my eyes, and start to think, excuse me? I cuss too much? and I watch this apparition become annoyed with such a criticism. Then, I remember..oh....that's right. All criticism is bullshit. And I still decide not to speak to him for a while if he is going to criticize. Then I recognize how juvenile that reaction is. If he does not like that I cuss, then he can close his ears. It is his issue, not mine. I go to sleep laughing at this.

I still desire. I desire Joey to let me know what he is up to. I think of him every second. It is my whole world here in this apparition now to speak to him. There is no moment when he is not being thought of by me. I watch this and start to suffer, and I even watch that. I allow it to occur, whatever 'I' means, and then it occurs. I expect miracles all the time, and in that expectation I lose whatever is going on under my nose.  I want to hear from him all the time, so I put on the headphones and meditate and then I am displeased because my ego takes over and I do not hear from him .   When I do, I carry the gift for weeks in my pocket to keep me from sinking like a stone.    

There is nothing more than wanting to know my son as he is now. Nothing but that takes precedence. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

to my children and friends

I write this to assure you that I know I will never die. My sons, you seem so afraid of that, and I promise you faithfully down to every fibre of my be-ing, that there is no death. You check on me as though I were some precious glass bowl, about to shatter. I have already shattered, and there is no bowl, I am the very air you breathe when I die, and I know I am already gone, but you still see my body , which is merely a teeny bit of me imagining myself into a glass bowl. I never died, was never born. I just am. The person you called Mom was a fellow traveler on a journey with you and she is very much alive all the time. You got caught up in the image I was projecting as 'Marianne' and 'Mom' but she was just a temporary image. I know you think you will miss her. Its okay if you do , but believe me, she never left.

Listen to me, listen to me while I speak now. There is something so great running this whole 'show'. It tells me, while I am using this image, to laugh. It tells me, while I am using this image, not to worry. It tells me, while I sit here in this image, that there is no death, that everyone you see wearing their 'images' are all part of the same thing, something magnificent and full of happiness. Do not regret, do not have guilt, do not fight against the ocean that you are. All of us will drop these images of ourselves, and do not have fear. Fear is being afraid of that magnificent ocean of Love that we all are.

I am still going to be the mom you know, but I will be the most powerful essence of what you 'remember' the image as. I sometimes feel her in meditation and she is every good thing I ever was. Remember when I played a clown and danced and acted silly? She (me) is still that and more. I know this now. All of the crazy things you remember Mom doing was and is the essence of the Mom that continues ..I am a tiny part of that essence of my magnificence while being in this image called a 'body'.

I chose every moment of this show. Always remember I chose it all. I chose to have all of you come here and be my sons for a while. I chose to be a mom, it is part of my essence, to protect and love the innocent. I also chose to learn many things. To learn this was a little play we are all experiencing. To learn I am a part of something so much larger than this place.

There is no separation between us and never will be. We are all in the same place at the same time. Your body is not who you are, totally. It is a projection , like the image on a camera. YOU are the camera, the real YOU is just thinking yourself up. Its pretty glorious!! You can relax, now . You can just ride through this whole thing like a little kid on a scooter and let the wind carry you along, because you, too, will not die. Your bodies may get old (don't worry, it is fun) but they are just teeny weeny itty bitty parts of a bigger YOU that runs the show. That bigger YOU is attached to everything, IS everything. You will still be Mike and Bobby, you will still be the best of the Mike and Bobby I know.

Both of you have hearts so big and loving. Both of you are such gentle souls!! That is who you are, those huge gentle loving souls shining through those bodies I see. I see it so clearly.

You can stop worrying, you are already going to be fine. Nothing can hurt you, no one can harm you. Not the real YOU that runs this show. That is the YOU that is attached to me, and Joey and Daddy and everyone in the light. NO one can hurt you, nothing can harm who you really are.

I wish I could show you how beautiful you both look to me when I see you.


Remember, everything is perfect. Everyone is perfect. You are perfect. Relax. Don't be afraid of anything, do not be afraid when my body is no longer being used. I will still be here. I already know that. Joey and Dad are here.

There are so many dimensions going on around you, its amazing. You are just blinded sometimes by that little image called a body. It filters out what we are all taught to filter out. Mom found a way to pop the cork on that filter. Mom can hook up now,even using this body, to undo the filter. If you want to hook up , listen to me in your dreams (the good ones of me are real!) and also meditate. Throw OUT your thoughts and let the GOOD stuff come in. Thoughts and worry only get in the way.

watch for synchronicity....events that feed into one another..evolve and show you the whys of why they are happening. Try not to judge ANY occurrence as 'good' or 'bad'....just let them be............

When your brother Joey decided it was his time to stop imagining himself using a body, is when I knew I couldn't commit suicide by stopping my own body.....because of the two of you I had to continue using the imaginary body I have...but guess what..I DID commit suicide....while still using this imaginary body..I made it die ! I saw it for what it really is, and THAT is what killed it. Now I use it like an old coat . I don't need it at all, but I just use it until it wears out. I KNOW it is not who I really am.


I had to dump it, my sons, because I needed to know how your brother was. So, you still see it now, but you think 'oh no, she will go away if she drops her body!'

Not true! I will be bigger than EVER when I drop my body. I will still BE!

We do not die, Bobby and Mike, we always are and always will be. we go home. You can look down at your own bodies and say 'Oh they are just temporary apparitions I am having of myself!'......really!!

It is freedom. It means you are never old , it means you are always free and this little small teeny blip of 'time' is all this is, a blip.


I will  ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.


always always know that. and stop worrying.


Love Mom