Friday, April 5, 2013

roller coaster

Reading all the statuses of sages can be very tiring. One says 'to merge with the source', the other says 'to watch from the observer but not to identify even with the observer'...

I 'sort' of get it...then I remember there is no 'I' so why am I typing the word 'I...' maybe words are limiting...yes, they are.

In the meantime, someone tells me 'You cuss too much.'

I say to him ' Does that bother you?'

He says "yes, sometimes.'

So I watch 'me' roll my eyes, and start to think, excuse me? I cuss too much? and I watch this apparition become annoyed with such a criticism. Then, I remember..oh....that's right. All criticism is bullshit. And I still decide not to speak to him for a while if he is going to criticize. Then I recognize how juvenile that reaction is. If he does not like that I cuss, then he can close his ears. It is his issue, not mine. I go to sleep laughing at this.

I still desire. I desire Joey to let me know what he is up to. I think of him every second. It is my whole world here in this apparition now to speak to him. There is no moment when he is not being thought of by me. I watch this and start to suffer, and I even watch that. I allow it to occur, whatever 'I' means, and then it occurs. I expect miracles all the time, and in that expectation I lose whatever is going on under my nose.  I want to hear from him all the time, so I put on the headphones and meditate and then I am displeased because my ego takes over and I do not hear from him .   When I do, I carry the gift for weeks in my pocket to keep me from sinking like a stone.    

There is nothing more than wanting to know my son as he is now. Nothing but that takes precedence. 

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