just let go

Received a kind word from a man named Ron Russo, who  told me that when he drowned as a young man, he felt himself in the thick mud under the river he was drowning in, and he struggled and struggled until he finally...just...let....go....and then, the peace took over.

He was trying to tell me that my son is in incredible peace...but instead, he told me what I needed.

Last night I decided not to struggle anymore.

I lay down and said fuck it. I am done.

The dream sent to me in the sleeping was Mike and Bobby as little boys, and they needed care, so I cared for them. And, I was able to care for them.

Joey did not show up as a little boy, as he has in the past, where I cannot care for him or his brothers.

I woke up into this waking dream without that feeling of being a terrible mother who cannot care for her children properly as I have in the past.

I woke up with the feeling of being in a place where Joey does not need for me to care for him, but the others are still in the place and need me in some way.

I see Bobby's face when he calls me online, and he looks at me with great love as a child looks at a mother, my face must look like his mother, some aspect of me comforts him now.

And Mike told me, when I related to him I have dreams of feeling unloved.."Mom..if you only knew how loved you are..."

So maybe Joey was just saying...and this comes through to  me a bit.."You are there for them now, and I am okay...quit struggling..."