throwing it away

so much anger today so much anger. watching the cupboards bang and screaming at the dogs and slamming the cleaner around.

laid down and threw it all away down the black hole, everything, threw marianne down again, threw all the concepts of children, grandchildren, the whole thing down the hole and asked for one thing ..to let it go..what is holding me to it? the me part? what won't let go? throw it all down!! all of it. let her die , please but something is holding on to something

just the ego talking they will tell me, all the well meaning people out there who assure me of their own happiness. but they live in the place of lala land where nothing disappears down their rabbit hole and they think they are exempt. boy will they be surprised.

woman calls me today to tell me her daughter won a prestigious academic award. all the power of bringing up some aspect of a 'self' occurs, and tell her 'thats wonderful, tell your daughter that i am happy for her' but then the weariness of that 'self' coming up was too much. i wont answer the phone , too much 'self' occuring with that, people who want marianne back.

what is holding on? why won't it just go? go go gogogogogogogo away marianne. disappear. go!!! get rid of her. throw her out.

saw visions of puppets on strings being handled by cloud beings, their hands holding the many many many puppets, little dolls walking and gesticulating about from the cloud people's hands who held the puppets wires and wood attachments and made them dance. dance, puppets, walk around here and there.

some of the puppets dropped and lay there.

so thats how it is.

stupid puppet show.