Friday, January 4, 2013

The End

The room where the old woman lay was quiet. Shadows occasionally walked across the walls, making no sound. People,  and a shake of whispers outside the door. It was all the old woman knew now.

She lay with only her ears to hear the thud or click or whish . A hum. A cough.

Why die with so much quiet? Even at the end of the play, the woman was annoyed.

"Make some noise!" her mind barked. The words never made the journey to her mouth.

A parade of air spit itself out.

She heard her children . "Mom, we love you. It's okay Mom, time to go. Go. I love you Mom."...

Oh, those were the shadows. Time to Go.

The airbags were slowing down. The engine, like a cartoon, was sputtering and wheezing. The crankcase collapsed.

and then.

She looked down at the comforter on the bed.

"Someone did not make the bed." What a fucking mess.

OH! she poked at the strange lumpy thing.

"Hah! Just as I thought . An old dress. I was wearing some old odd dress. What a silly idea. I suppose everyone thought that was me! Who the hell wrote this play? A 2nd grader? All the comedy and tragedy worthy of Shakespeare and someone comes along and scribbles and spits out a few tepid lines. Harumph."

She sat on the edge of the bed , vainly attempting to smooth out the coverlet.


Well, she pondered, I have no hands anymore.

"Hold on a second." she snapped her imaginary fingers..."So where are you?" "YOU the great IAM, the big Kahuna, the slap happy son of a bitch with the wide grin and ice cream?"

"Right here."

The stench of goat cheese was a reliable compass. The woman turned her imaginary eyes and stared.

"Oh, it's you.THAT one. God. No. You aren't." she waved her pretend finger in his nose.


Maybe this play was not so bad after all. The woman chuckled.

"No, you are that guy the nuns told me about. I remember you. You told me if I turned around in church I would turn into a pillar of salt like Lot, and if I bit down on the sacred host that blood would pour out of my mouth. Uh .huh. You know I never quite believed that."


The woman yawned at Yahweh.

"I did, I do remember that." She had written him a letter. snap. When she was in the play, camera , action, age 6.

"Yes, I did, I threw it out the window of my upstairs bedroom and asked you to protect my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and you didn't answer me. You also...1. destroyed the earth with a flood, 2. made up so many rules no one could possibly follow them 3. are a man and you remind me of Santa Claus, not GOD,  and I hated being a girl for a long time thanks to you. So, bugger off."


and god trotted off to sulk in a corner of the room. Where he stuck in His Thumb and pulled out a Plum.

The woman dismissed him like a sad clap.

"Jesus, what a stench." she phewed and waved her hand at the now shrinking little fellow who was devouring figs and goat cheese.

"You called?"

With a swift flash,dash and a parting of clouds a bearded man danced merrily into her view.


"So, another one. " the woman rolled her no eyes. "You are the Sugar Plum Fairy?"

The avatar sat next to her . thump. He rebooted.

"I am Jesus!! remember me? " he leaned in close, and whispered.."i am the nice one.." he pointed half heartedly to the Bedouin tent, now half finished in the corner of her former room which was filling up with sheep and baying lambs..

"Jesus, LIVEStock!" the old woman croaked like a frog as she viewed the ever growing menagerie

"Want me to..." jesus snapped his fingers "Make them disappear? I can do it. I can do anything !"

Magic tricks. So, that's his scam, the woman thought darkly. He was cruising for a bruising. What did he think, she was born on a turnip truck and fell off?

"Listen!" she shook Jesus and his eyes rolled like a cheap slot machine. "You can't just go around making millions of fish and feeding everyone and turning water into  wine and healing lepers and sputtering off nonsense and expect me to just believe in you like a drop of a hat!"

jesus was perplexed. "But, you see, I didn't do any of that. The old man told them to say it about me. "

"OHHH. " the woman patted his now slumped and sorry shoulder. "I gotcha. The old man whispered that to them and they made you into some god and then put you on a pedestal and worshipped you and now you show up with a deck of cards to save your reputation with me! Well, it is not going to work. Either you are God or you aren't. Either way, I do NOT want any more of you coming into my room. Old Goat Breath over there has a Harem now, and this place reeks of olive oil. HEY! YOU! YEAH THE GUY WITH NO TEETH! QUIT ANOINTING YOURSELF IN MY BEDROOM! CANT YOU SEE I AM DEAD!"

Jesus smiled. His blue eyes sparkled as he whispered to the woman. "I'm a Jew, but don't tell the Goyim."

"Yeah, yeah." the woman almost shouted over the now wandering pigs and cattle. "Just round up these critters and let me figure this God business out with out disturbing me anymore, and NO MORE rabbits out of a hat, blood stained crosses, or flagellation, k? I really disliked flagellation."

Jesus smiled, his eyes closed , and he resembled a delicious sigh as he walked quietly over the river

"AND GET THAT RIVER OUT OF MY ROOM!!"  the woman brandished her imaginary slipper at his head.

"Yes, ma'am!" jesus scuttled.

The old woman looked over at her bed and wondered where her body had disappeared to. The comforter had long since been replaced by a dancing bevy of well endowed Wives, which, she noticed, Jehovah was enjoying immensely as he clapped his now oil stained palms with glee.



a musical jolt flicked open a small doorway. purple and blue transmutated smoky auras surrounded the old woman, who tapped her spiritual foot, as she waited for the NEXT performance to present itself.

The cameras rolled.

"We were in the closet!"

The old woman rubbed her eyes, as the hazy apparitions formed into a myriad of females, not only females but large women BIG women with big asses and tits and breasts and legs and ameythst and pearls and golden crowns and scepters and arms and legs and did she say legs? and more arms and scythes and lunar moons and heaps of moundy fleshy cellulite and swords and

"WAIT A MINUTE!!". the old woman held up her now shining hand.

"This room is so crowded I may have to start charging rent."

The Goddesses all laughed. Except for Artemis, who was still really pissed off.

"I am not as pissed off as Kali!" she reminded the woman, pointing to what resembled an octopus entangled in a net of coconuts with facial features.

"Look." said the old woman with her now ridiculously starry mouth "I appreciate that you all showed up. You were actually a lot of fun once, you saved me from that " her thumb mumbled over to the throne of Jehovah where Jesus sat happily eating the leftovers his father threw him from the rotting sheep carcass...

"OH! of course! Happy to Help!" giggled the Goddesses. "We never liked him anyway, He kept saying his penis was God, and we kept reminding him he didn't have a Vagina and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth til we finally told him to Fuck Off...and he did..and that is why this world is such as it is, poor world. All those penises. That is why we sent Martha Stewart, we knew she could clean it up."

"We need a LYRE!" shouted one of the ...million..women now sprawled out over the floor, as pillows and curtains and jewels and eggs were tossed merrily about.

The old woman sat and crossed her ever shiny legs. This was a madhouse. Hmm, she pondered, as she tapped her chin. Perhaps this was part of the play. Maybe it was not as boring as she had imagined it to be.

"Okay!" the old woman stood up on a large drum someone had pranced into the room. "Okay  OKAY OKAYYYYYYYYYY SHUT UPPPPPPP EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!"

The goats were the last to hear her.

With a poof, a puff, a piffle and a pfft.

They all just left.

One goat looked at her, his eyes thanked her for saving him from the next sacrificial blood letting, and then..groink..he too was gone.

The old woman lay down . She laid back into the comforter and sighed. Ah. just lay down.

The quiet returned.

She closed her eyes, now bright with light.

"I am going now, this play is silly."

Shhhh. Shhhhh. warmth. arms. more arms. more warm. so warm.

She lay in the arms of ....

"Mom, you can fly now."

"I can? OH! I CAN!!!"

"Wait. Where is God.?"

"Mom. "

"God? Joey?"

"You get it now. Man you are a tough nut to crack, Mom. Hey, Dad..MOm's here. She is getting it."

The woman flew away with her son.

The end.

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