fear or love

love seems to be centered around compassion.
this time, compassion comes without attachment.
as i told ellyn yesterday, when joey stopped using his body as a suit,
my house burned down.

it burned down but instead of rebuilding it i just stood on the destruction and continued the lighting of the fires.

i could not put it back anymore.
i only went halfway when bob and scott left their bodies. i went as far as i would allow, and took out of it what had to be taken from the experience to make this place  bearable.
with joey, the unbearable could only be bearable if i lost it all.

the bottle of pills could not be my way out. nope. bobby and mike did not need to go thru that.

caught between a rock and a hard place.

the two worlds i had been taught existed had to be joined.

i used to be compassionate, but with attachment.
now, this is a dream, and still compassionate but none of this is more than a transitory state of imagination.

as i told ellyn...when your child is lost in the warehouse, and you cannot find him, you tear down every inch of that warehouse, because your love is so great for that child you will keep tearing til there is not one inch of that warehouse left.

and then you dive in and start digging under the warehouse.

i know joey is happy now. i am holding onto that like a tether of a silver rope flung down to keep me in a place of non despair, despair i had been taught was the only choice i had. it is not.

joey and bob and the rest of them, as pablo says, are with me and watching. i trust ellyn, and pablo, who seem to be these two souls i am so blessed to be gifted to know.

i went to sleep last night with the gratitude of a saint, thanking them all for sending me these 2 souls to help me now. thanking them for those gifts, thanking them for being there for me .

i have had visions come of my friend and they were powerful. pablo says it is no longer possible to dismiss them.


why do i still think they are not real when so many have been real? even before the monroe institute for so long things came thru and i dismissed them.

ellyn and i spoke of fear and how it is pervasive in its way of being so familiar to people they do not want to let go of what it creates.

it seems so lonely sometimes, to be in this place where i sink under to ask questions and find answers and bring that consciousness into this place and then want to share it with people because ..i guess i still do not trust what i see inside. how much more do i need to have happen to learn to trust?

i think of my other 2 sons and want them to know this is not all there is, but this is my journey and when i share it with them i think they think i am crazy or fooling myself when i tell them i know joey did not die, no one dies, nothing dies. even tho joey came to them even stronger than me, i wonder what they think of all this.

they are both so different and yet so the same. one is quiet and says little, the other is he who goes out there and conquers the world like a soldier. both are who they are. should i concern myself with them, when they are on their own  journey? is it my business? i just want them to be happy.

but i should know better now i should i should i keep shoulding all over myself. that all is well. no matter what.

my higher self /god hung up on me in meditation yesterday when i asked ..why would you do any of this in this thick dimension? this is just stupid. i always ask that. the bliss better be damned good to keep me from asking that when i dump my body.

am i now destined to go thru my friend's dumping her body?  i saw it.

ellyn said we chose this consciousness to compare. to add contrast to the painting. i know about that when i paint. when i need to add depth. i told her, well, thats stupid. why would we do that when we are prebirth bliss? because we get bored with bliss? wtf?

she laughed. i suppose i might as well laugh because none of this makes sense. today i go to a friend's home and let her hear the hemi sync cd's. i suppose this is why i still hang around here.

for my other sons, for my grandson, for a smile and giggle to someone. joey says that is all it is.

just a smile and a little laughter and looking at someone and telling them they are loved.

pablo said he saw me in a ceremony in a vision and i had graduated...in his filter of a catholic church..like , some ceremony i recall well when i was a little girl and carried wheat stalks in a white dress at Saint Peter and Paul...i liked churches, i liked staring at the stained glass windows...i think my paintings come from that staring, plus i liked Latin...because the mystery was there ...and i wanted to know what the mystery was..

did i graduate? wtf? i have no idea. maybe i am just insane. thats okay, so is everyone.

man i am glad my linear time body is almost 62. frees me up from a lot. i would never want it to be at 30 again and be facing this whole scenario.

ellyn said the reason joey took such a bite out of this place is because he knew he would be dumping his body at 23.

but i intend to use this thing and remove the veil that does not exist. been doing that for way too long, now its time to dive even further. there is no veil.

tired

i often feel joey is laughing at me. so now i have had even more confirmation that he is happy and it is just that simple.

if i dont get it by now i am insane.
but everyone seems to be anyway.

mooji says to choose and so i do. i do not want people around and yet i am terribly lonely for people who understand. even the most arduous spiritual types seems seriously hell bent on reaching some nirvana and that only makes me roll my eyes when no one is laughing.

if i cannot love hitler i do not know how to love.

everyone tells me there is a veil and i dont believe them for a second.

joey tells me to be more patient but i have an issue with patience when it comes to destroying the illusion of a veil.

maybe i should just jump straight in to the ayahuasca

oh phoo..my ego needs to keep out of this, everything will just open up on its own.

i have no idea why i am still in this town.

i keep dreaming of houses and i live there and have to move and cannot see my gardens grow.

i am so tired.

and lonely.

and i can feel joey and bob laughing with kindness at me.

i give up.