Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Meet God. a story.
Where Is God?
The room smelled of roses. The old woman was comatose, she lay in her bed as people came,
as people went. The hush hush of shoes as the door creaked over and over , her children, all
grown up now. Waiting for mother to die.
"There are too many flowers in this room" her daughter whispered to the other two children.
The old woman was breathing, slight, short , timid breaths like whispers . The breath
betrayed her, it would be the end of it all, then. The children, her grown up children now,
came and went. They watched the old woman, held her hand, brushed their fingers over hers.
How thin her skin was, soft parchment paper, the bones underneath an architecture bearing
weight, her body now a carriage with no passenger.
It was late as her oldest son sat in the chair next to his mother's bed. He remembered
her wish, to die at home, her small body engulfed in comforters, one could barely see
a body under all that. The slow rising of her chest was his one comfort, and his one fear.
He knew it would end.
He left the room to speak with his siblings. There was much to do, between tears.
The old woman sat up in her bed. The room was pitch black and she looked around .
"Who the hell closed the curtains?" said a voice. Like a whoop, she realized it was her
own voice. "Oh! I'm fucking talking to myself!" she rolled her eyes and laughed.
"You are dead."
The old woman looked at her hands. They were shimmering . "Who says I'm dead?!"
"Well, you are . " the voice was not hers now and so she hopped out of the bed and looked
"I'm not under the bed, but you are dead. " Now the voice was laughing at her.
Not a mean laugh, but certainly a jolly one.
The old woman put her hands on her hips. She tilted her head and spoke
"Okay whomever the hell you are, if I'm dead, prove it to me. I have never felt
better in my life!"
The voice chuckled. "Look at the bed" .
The old woman walked over to the bed. Lying there was an old woman, her mouth
open, her eyes shut.
"Well, who the hell is she?" asked the old woman.
"Oh dear, I am afraid that is YOU. Or it was you. Now she is dead."
The old woman shook her head.
"I have never seen that old lady in my entire life, and now you are telling me it is me?"
"Yes, but it wore out. So it's dead. That You is dead".
"Well , I am NOT dead so where am I anyway? I recognize this room...!"
The voice slowly faded but spoke to the old woman in a gentle voice.
"God will be here soon."
The old woman looked around. Not much had changed. She sat on the bed that
was still occupied by the dead woman. She tried to touch her face, but her hand went
right through the dead woman's body.
"Well I will be damned!!" the old woman spoke out loud. "I am not the least bit
The old woman laughed at her new state of being. "This is a trip!"
She felt herself with both hands and realized she was not at all solid, and
giggled ah hahahahahaha as she watched herself expand and contract.
"I have a feeling I can do anything right now!!!" she told the dead body in the bed.
The dead body did not respond.
"Okie dokie, then, Im ready to rock and roll! " said the woman, as she jumped onto the bed
and felt herself floating like a delicious wind , dancing in clouds of glitter ..
As she floated and whirled and twirled she remembered the voice.
NOW YOU WILL SOON MEET GOD.
She laughed at the statement.
"Which one?" she asked "There's about 3000 versions of God, AINT NOBODY GOT
TIME FOR DAT!"
Her glee continued , she was in love with her new shiny ness. "I am so shiny!!" she yelled.
But the walls gave way, as she danced around the bed, and stood on her head, and knew
she was not dead.
The walls of the room collapsed like sand. A booming sound filled the room and dark,
mysterious clouds rolled in, thunder lit up the sky, lightning bolts flashed , fumbled, flashed
again, and out of the massive cloud a clown car filled with cherubim and seraphim wiggled
their naked baby selves into the woman's former room.
"Who the hell are you and why are there babies floating around my room! In fact, where's
my goddamned room?!"
"HOLY HOLY HOLY LORD GOD ALMIGHTY MISERE MISERE MISERE NOBIS AND
HERE HE IS YAY YAY IT'S GOD" screamed the tiny cherubs whose wings fluttered and
strange diapers kept exposing their rosy cheeked behinds..
The woman put her hands over her ears and yelled back. "PIPE DOWN, KIDS! "
One of the cherubs flew over to her and whispered "But...we are the opening act!"
"For what?" asked the woman who was now standing on one of the numerous clouds
that had filled up her former bedroom.
"HOLY HOLY!!..." the woman smacked the cherub on his little behind and sent him reeling
like a tiny tumbleweed back to his other little friends.
"I said pipe down!"
Then, as quick as a blink, the air began to change...the woman knew that smell, and sniffed
"Frankincense !" UGH. she remembered a priest shaking it into her face as a child.
"WHATS WITH ALL THE INCENSE?" she yelled at the toddlers still flitting about.
But her answer did not come from the teeny ones. No, instead she suddenly looked up
and standing before her was a Homeless Man.
"I AM NOT A HOMELESS MAN!!" yelled the Homeless Man.
"WELL YOU LOOK LOOK LIKE A BUM , YOU SMELL LIKE GOAT CHEESE AND
YOU HAVEN'T SHAVED FOR 1000 YEARS. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU."
The "Not Homeless" Man spoke and raised his fist.
"I AM YAHWEH!"
"Oh for chrissake" thought the woman.
"No, that's my kid" said the not homeless man .
"Wait a second, aren't you that asshole who flooded the earth when he got mad at everyone?"
The woman could hear the cherubs tsk ing her. tsk tsk tsk.
The Not Homeless Man named Yahweh scratched his very red nose.
"WHY YES. YES, THAT WAS ME. SO WHAT."
"So what??? seriously? You flood everyone, including tiny children, just because you had
a bad day? I remember when they told me you were God. "
The Man turned beet red , his face was a fury palette of colour.
"I CAN DAMN YOU TO HELL YOU KNOW!"
The woman laughed. "Fiddlesticks! There is no hell, you made all that up. And you need
a bath! Have you been drinking? You smell like a goat. You need more incense! "
The GodMan growled. "My followers are many many!! They lived in tents! They had many
wives! I allowed them to share slaves! I AM GOD."
The woman yawned. "No, you are not, you are a mean old man whose followers originally
had 3 teeth in their mouths, wandered around blathering made up stories they stole from
the pagans, and they stunk, too. And now you have followers who keep blathering about you,
only they wear suits and ties and pray to you so they can win the lottery. PUHLEASE." the
woman held up her hand . "From this point on TALK TO THE HAND because you are a
bully and Imma send YOU away. I never bought into your shit and Im not about to now!"
The Yawheh Not Homeless Man looked down.
"But....I hated homosexuals"
BZZZZT! "wrong!" said the woman.
"But...I did let Job live,,"
BZZZT! "wrong! you tortured him first !" said the woman.
"But..I told people not to eat lobsters!?"
"Well, " said the woman, "I'll give you that, but otherwise you suck ".
The cherubim and seraphim looked restless. Perhaps they need to pee,
thought the woman.
"Look, you can it over there in that chair if you want..or sit on one of your
clouds you dragged INTO MY BEDROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING, which is rude, "said
the woman..."But there is no way I am going to worship you or call you anything like GOD..
I'll tell you what, since you are just an old grouch and I feel sort of sorry for you,
Im going to just call you Santa. You look like him, only he smells better."
The Yawheh Man sighed. He sat on a blue cloud and sniffed. "Okay". he said.
"And No More Lightning!! Who do you think you are, Zeus? He was an idiot, too."
The Man decided to take a nap. He scratched his testicles, and fell asleep. The tiny ones with
wings flew off. The woman assumed they all went to look for a potty.
The woman was perplexed. Here she was , alive as ever, in a room full of clouds and a dead
body in her previously tidy bedroom, and now this. An invasion by some Old Man whose
testicles itched. Great. She decided to look for the 'light' everyone had told her about..
With the old man named Yahweh, who she called Santa, sleeping fitfully in the corner of
her bedroom, the woman was ill prepared for the sight of a young man, around 33 yrs of age,
peeking at her from under the bed she was sitting on.
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!" the woman
The young man smiled "OH YOU RECOGNIZE ME! YAY!"
"Save your yays, I have no idea who the hell you are and why are you under my bed!!"
The young man stroked his beard and smiled. "Why, I am Jesus Fucking Christ! "
The woman looked closely and checked again under the bed to make sure there was no
one else about to pop out and scare the bejeebers out of her.
"Don't worry!!" said the young man who had the audacity to read her mind "I didn't bring
the Apostles with Me! It's all good! sooooooo...wassup?"
The woman sat down. Now she had to deal with a hipster.
"I take it you are here to tell me you are God, like that old fart over there in the corner?"
the woman asked as she looked at her new glittering body.
"OH HIM" said jesus f christ "He's me dad. He's been in a bad mood ever since Adam and
"Well, "the woman sniffed "You do SMELL better than your pop. You realize he needs rehab
don't you? I mean, he let people put you on a cross, shove a spear into your heart, and beat the
shit out of you....?"
Jesus f Christ sighed "Aw well, we made a lot of that up. I was just trying to show people
one of my best tricks, like, rising from the dead, walking on water, turning water into wine...
Hey, wanna see one of my card tricks? " and like that JFC pulled out a deck of cards.
"Lemme see those cards." said the woman, and she put out her hand.
JFC hesitated...."well...okay...I'll show em to you but don't tell....."
The woman looked at the cards. "What the Fuck..These are all Aces..."
JFC laughed. "If you don't want to see my card trick now ya wanna see me walk on
"NO." said the woman firmly.
"How about fish! You like fish? I can get you all the fish you want."
"NO! it stinks enough in here with your father and his cheesy balls, no FISH."
JFC sniffed and held out his hand. "Here" he said.
"What?" said the woman "You want to shake hands?"
JFC brightened up
"Yeah!! I will cure your leprosy!"
"I don't HAVE leprosy!! I am dead!"
JFC stroked his beard again. "Oh yeah I forgot. Yeah You are!! Hey you are supposed to
'go to the light' or some such thing..."
"Yeah I was working on that until you popped up..Yeah I liked YOU more when I was a
kid, more than your dad. Actually I liked your MOM better than both of you."
JFC shuffled his foot. "Yeah, dad didn't want MOM to be powerful anymore so he
sorta watered down her powers. I dunno, she was pretty awesome when she had other names"
The woman patted JFC on the head.
JFC smiled. It was nice to see he had all his teeth.
The woman told him to go sit by his dad. She needed to work on that "going to the light"
JFC went over to his dad , the Homeless Santa God, and played with his deck of cards.
The woman was concentrating on part of the ceiling which was giving way , quite gracefully,
and opening up where a glowing light started appearing...but before she had a chance to focus,
a bevy of women swooped into the already crowded room , dead body on the bed, old man
asleep on a cloud, young man sitting on a chair flipping cards
IT WAS A MADHOUSE
"When will I catch a break!!" yelled the woman, as over a thousand women dressed in every
possible ensemble filled the room.
"I AM ARTEMIS!" said one as she lifted her bow
"I AM KALI!! KALI MA!!" SCREAMED another one as she rattled a row of skulls around
"I am Kuan Yin. mother of compassion."
'OKAY OKAY OKAY...HOLD ON..' said the woman ..."HOLD ON. ALLRIGHT. NOW ,
LISTEN, HOW MANY OF YOU ARE GODDESSES OF COMPASSION.
They all raised their hands, which was , like 2000 hands.
'OKAY OKAY OKAY HOW MANY ARE GODDESSES OF CHANGE AND
DESTRUCTION AND NEW LIFE, BLAH BLAH I SEE YOU BACK THERE MORGANA
AND YOU KALI OKAY HOW MANY MORE???"
They all raised their hands.
'SIDDOWN." yelled the woman, as the Goddesses were all very talkative and were hugging
each other , some of them twirling around the room , some of them dancing, most of them
'I SAID SIT. DOWN. FIND A CLOUD. SIT. NOW TELL ME WHY YOU ARE ALL HERE.
SERIOUSLY THIS ROOM IS BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE A BAD TRIP AT A MOTEL
6. ANSWER ME, WHY ARE YOU ALL HERE.'
Artemis stood up and held her bow above her head . (Great Theater, thought the woman)
Artemis, who seemed to have the most chutzpah of anyone of the Goddesses, spoke freely..
'WE ARE HERE TO SHOW YOU ...YOU...THE GODDESS IS THE WARRIOR'
Urtha interuppted Artemis who was just getting started ' DONT FORGET SHES THE
Kali Ma couldn't help herself and waved her many arms for no reason whatsoever.
Lilith ate an apple. and threw the core at Yahweh.
'OKAY OKAY I GET IT!!' said the now tiring woman whose last bit of space left was
to sit on her own dead body's head which had turned a pale white ..'I GET THAT YOU WANT
ME TO RECOGNIZE YOU ALL BECAUSE YOU SAVED ME BY SHOWING ME THE
DIVINE FEMININE AND THANK YOU BUT I HAVE A LIGHT TO GO TO AND I AM
GOING HOME NOW SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, LADIES? "
The Goddesses lined up in a row , tidy as they are, and slowly filed out of the room, 1000 or
more, disappearing into the aethers as quickly as they had appeared. Bye Bye! They waved,
some speaking Sanskrit, but the woman just waved back buh bye to her feminine friends.
Death and The Light.
The Old woman decided to die after her children left the room. She awoke in her shimmering
new form and looked at the body on the bed. "Why that is not me" she smiled.
She heard a voice, a gentle familiar one, and turned. Her son stood there, smiling, his whole
being brimming with love. "Told you I would take you home, Mom. Dad's here, too."
The woman, no longer old, held her son , touched his cheek and was filled with joy such as
cannot be described in this world in any world.
"Ma, it's time to go home"
"Are we going to GOD, honey?"
"Ma, we are GOD, we are always GOD, can you feel it?"
The woman sighed. Yes, she was wrapped in the arms of Home, Mother, Father, her heart was
bursting with Love.
"I may explode from JOY my son!!"
and together , hand in hand, they walked out of the bedroom, and she finally went home.
(In the meantime, the Goddesses danced and sang, Yahweh snored and woke up his 8th wife,
and JFC learned how to skateboard.)