Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Finding JOeY

How do I begin to write about you, son of mine? Do I start at the beginning, the day you were born, the day your older brothers, small children themselves, arrived at the hospital, carrying flowers for me....confused and young, they peeked into the window of the baby ward and saw you, my last little one, my youngest child, your brother Michael's first memory of his own life.
I was so young, my son. I had high hopes, dreams, wishes, the dreams of a young woman, a family, a white fence, a husband to grow old with, to watch our babies grow up and marry, have children, to be a mother forever to all three of you.
You had a red nose. The nurse had to put mittens on you to keep you from rubbing your nose. I had already given birth to two other sons, the oldest one always moving and sociable, the middle one always with his head in a book. I was young, I could follow you all like a motherbear and protect you, always too much, from dangers that I perceived through the lens of a mom, too young to imagine that anything would ever happen to her prizes, her gifts, her moments of triumphant joy, her three sons. These, she loved more than anything, these, these three boys.
You came home to a rented house in Morris Ill,  where mom stayed home and Dad went to work. There was, and still is, a white picket fence standing there, even though the house is gone. Daddy worked long hours, Mommy did, too, chasing after the likes of the three of you, her sole purpose was to protect you, nurture you , love you. The silly times, when all three of you would laugh as Mommy bathed and powdered you, and you danced on the big bed and jumped, while Mommy sang "It's a small small world.."
The bike rides, the coloring books, the million stories Mommy made up and the spillage of laughter coming out of your mouths while Mommy or Daddy tickled you.
Those were the happiest days of my life.
I was so naive. So lost in this Joy of YOU and your brothers , birthday parties, visits to Pappy and Grandma's farm, riding in Daddy's boat on the Illinois river, feeding you all the silliness and rocking and soothing you, my little boy.
And you fell in love with your green blanket, the one with the turtle on it. You would not go anywhere without it.
When I had your body cremated, I asked them to put that blanket in your arms.

Let Go or Be dragged.
People tell me that I wrote this script before I was born. I wrote it with you, with your dad, with your brothers. People tell me I have a soul family. I am beginning, finally , to believe what they say.
Mommy is old now, she is much older. She lost her Joy somewhere and she does not know how to find it again. Perhaps she was mistaken. Perhaps her Joy was just misguided, attached to an outcome, a dream that she would carry on until 1989. The year that dragged her, kicking and screaming, into a world of hurt, denial, pain, suffering, and digging her way out of a deep wound, where she finally came to realize she could not protect her childish dreams, of growing old with someone, of watching her children watch their daddy grow old with her.
Listen, my son, when your daddy went to work that night, I kissed him. I told him I loved him. I did not think I would receive a call from the hospital at 2 am.
It is almost amusing, that when the hospital called me to hurry up and drive there, I chose to change out of my pajamas and put on a sweater that said "SuperMom" on the front. I did not expect to arrive at the hospital and hear the news that your Daddy had not survived the explosion that occurred at his job. That was unthinkable, my son. Unimaginable to me. This was not in my plans. This was not supposed to ruin my  dreams .
Inconsolable I was , and you were only 6 years old. How was I supposed to tell the three of you that your daddy stopped breathing? That he was thrown 300 feet through the air and that his last words in this life was that he loved us. I was so young, Joey. I knew nothing of such things.
I know now , this was the pivotal point in your life here that changed you, and eventually sent you on the journey to follow your father, and be welcomed by him later on in your life here.
How terrifying it must have been for you, aged 6, to hear that he who was one of the most formidable protectors in your young life, could be swooped away in a night, in a matter of seconds. No wonder you clung to me so hard as a child. I was now the only guardian of your own security.
Yet it was not enough.

What I call the light, now, the Source of All Being, my highest self, what I call that now, had other plans for us all, didn't it. Did we really write this script together, my boy?
One of the men who was with your daddy the day his body was killed, was also a victim of the same explosion that occurred at his job. I remember the day he called me , I do not remember his name. He asked me to come to his home, as he had something to tell me.
I was still in a state of shock, anger, I guess the anger was the sudden realization that I had no control anymore. It was a bitter lesson. But , then again, we wrote this play together, is that not true, my child?
The man was insistent that I visit him. He had been burned over 50% of his body and was sitting in a wheelchair when I entered his home. Bandages on him, he begged me to sit down, as he was about to confer upon me a story that would question my very core beliefs and give me hope at a time when all hope was lost.
He told me he had been standing there when the explosion occurred at Daddy's job. He was on fire , his clothes and hair caught fire, and he told me he was screaming, screaming the words "God please!! Please don't let me die like this!!"
Then , he gently explained to me, that he left his body.....and suddenly he saw himself floating above it...he described how peaceful it was....to watch, from above his own body, as it ran trying to put the fire out on his clothes, to watch from a place of peace and light...
Then, my son, he told me these words..
"God was there."
I had never heard such a thing. I remember well telling all three of you children this story, but you were all so angry that God had 'taken' daddy, you did not care. And who could blame you, and your brothers, for being enraged that Daddy wasn't coming through the door again at 5 pm . ever again,
Little did I know, at the time , that this event would haunt all of you for the rest of your stay here in this place  , and little did I know I could not protect any of you from what would be the most horrible day of my own life here , when you , my most precious child, would pass over and join your father 17 years later.
But, we wrote the script together, did we not?
All of us, what were we to learn. What was I to learn? What possible reason would I choose to play this part in this place? Why would I choose this?  These questions still fill me up, and I can only answer one of them.
That my 'fear' of death is gone. I know now, through you, my child, that there is no death.
Because you have shown me the way.
to be continued
So, I am talking to you, son, and suddenly on Feb 27, 2018, you respond to me to let me know you are okay. Oh, my son, you send one of your messengers who you have spoken with , and as I write this I can barely breathe through my tears of relief. I guess all I had to do was speak to you on here, and you come through like gangbusters...
Today:  from your old childhood friend Monica:

"I have something to tell you. It is a little long so please bear with me. Joey came to me in November of 2007.
I was sitting on the edge of my bed and all of a sudden I looked around and I was on your property in South Haven. I didn’t understand why I was there but I knew it had to be for a reason. I’ve had people who had crossed over come to me before to tell me things but at the time I didn’t know the significance of this.
All of a sudden I saw Joey but Joey wasn’t an adult. He was the little boy that I remembered from Douglas Street. He looked at me and started giggling. I looked down at myself and realized I was 8 or 9. I kept calling his name and he would start running. I ran after him begging him to stop because I was getting tired. We were running through trees and jumping over logs. He finally stopped and I caught up to him. He put his hands on my shoulders and asked me for a favor. I told him anything. He told me to tell you that he is ok. I asked him what he was talking about and he said within time I will find out.
I found it odd and one day I happened to be on Facebook and I said to Joe Kruger that I needed to talk to Joey. He told me that Joey had crossed over a year before. I had no idea. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you any of this sooner." Monica.

Dear son, you did it again, how many times you have come through to people like your brother Bobby, who you explained to, in detail, how you crossed into the light???

You told him things ONLY I KNEW. It was me, after all, who found your body. Bobby did not know any of the details surrounding the death of your body.
How foolish am I , still, not to KNOW you are in so much happiness and Love? Why am I always so shocked and surprised when you come to someone and TELL them to tell me you are happy and not to worry about you?

You know what? You floored Bobby. He was shaking back in 2007 when he told me about your visit. He said you looked like you were 'covered in pixie dust'. I guess you can come to any of us, anytime, in whatever garb you choose.

I swear, son, the most incredible visit was the one you made to Riley. To have a grandson relate your visit to him, to me, one morning...and you come to him as a bright white light, he says, and he is , what...only 9 yrs old? But you tell him he will have a great life and you will make sure of it.
and then you tell your brother Mike "Don't be afraid of Death, Mike, that's when the fun begins.."
You take Mike to the McMurdo Ice Station and show him the deepest part of the ocean and tell him "Dive In , It's not as deep as you think..!"

You know Mike's fears, you know that Bobby needs to believe, too, and you come to Bobby's son to cinch it. You go to my meditation friend, Pablo, and you interrupt him in meditation and tell him to look for
a 'word' in the movie he is about to watch. Pablo is confused, and says "But movies have lots of words?"  You remind Pablo that one word will keep showing up.
The word is Excelsior.
And then, just for fun, you show Pablo a whole page full of spaceships...why?
Pablo tells me all this, but you must really know that I am going to go FIND out what you mean.
So I use the Internet, I find Excelsior, to go beyond, warp speed , the speed you are travelling the Universe, my son.
and then I type Excelsior into Google images and there you have it..
a whole page of spaceships.
Joey, you are so good at this.
I still sit and have a hard day thinking about the day I found your body.
You must have watched me flying down to meet with all those near death experiencers to LEARN about how you were.
They all assured me you were in such a state of love. It was what I needed, kid. To learn you were Loved.
I have NO idea, to this day, what that Love even feels like. Damn I wish I could FEEEEEL it. I would be so much more peaceful. I just count on it that someday I will know. 
Be there first, Joey. Be the first to take my hand. 
to be continued
I will spend each day talking to you first. I know you think I'm silly, and you have come so many times to us all, laughing and assuring us you are with your daddy. But I speak to you in the present tense, always, because deep down in the heart I know you are always sailing the Universe. Nothing holds you back.

It's been 11 and almost 12 years of earth slow speed on this recording of my life here, since you discarded your body for freedom. I feel stuck, my son, and even though your story of yet another visitation came to me yesterday, and I feel slightly more peaceful, I am still overwhelmed with rage and loss and anger and sadness and all of those impediments that keep me from flying.

You have come to my brother, John, and showed him how to fly. I ask you to show me, not just the experience I had at the meditation institute, where you came to me laughing and showed me myself as a beautiful black figure dancing through the stars, where I floated in stars and you sent a glowing blue light right into the top of my head and I could see every filament of my body lit up in blue, bright, beautiful.

Yet I wake up into this 'world' and still wish your body would walk through the back door.

I know I am still sinking in ego, so much word salad of questions come out of me, waiting waiting wanting wanting to know how you are every day.

That motherbear is still in there, wishing for your presence as whole and complete..You have let me know this is YOUR journey and YOU chose to stay with your dad. I suppose I will understand that someday.

I live in this world pretty much alone, wishing , wanting for answers. I remember how , at the beginning of this, I heard you speaking, with joy, GOD! LOVE! GOD!....like a child who found such happiness, and I never believe MYSELF when you do that to me , I suppose that is why you so often go to other people and tell them that you are okay, and to be sure to let me know it.

I still do NOT know why I am still wearing a body. I do not know , I thought perhaps it was so that when I do drop  this body, I can show your brothers how to 'die',,, they will be watching , and I want so much to let them see how easy it is. I want them to see me calling your name as you appear to take me across. I want them to see me with that JOY in my eyes as I let go, when you and daddy come to get me.

Is that it? Is that the reason I am still here in this perception?

You have taught me there is no death, you were helping me learn that even before you crossed into the light. I have NO fear of that day, I just want to know why that day has not arrived? But, then, blind faith, right?? When I look at quantum physics and it tells me 'Hey the past present and future are all in the same place'.....so maybe that day has already come and gone..

Oh how I wish I could SEE through your eyes now, what LOVE really is, what a millisecond this world is, how fast it goes, how ridiculous it is.

I can try it when I am painting or drawing, but I am guessing all I can grab from you are snippets of your perception ....you are so free now....
to be continued......
I hang on to every visitation you have shown me , every one is like a jewel I place into my heart and carry it around , tapping into it when I begin to falter and fall in this 3 d world.  This costume I am wearing feels tighter and tighter each day, more constraining as It Ages. I am not it, as they say, yet I use it as a prop. In fact, these are all illusory props, aren't they. Nothing real. But pretending.
I suppose I am supposed to use them to my best advantage. You did, when you jumped off cliffs in Bali, and swam in the water near Jamaica, and flew planes over Hawaii.
Nothing stopped you, did it.
You ate life here like a Lion, and roared.
I'm sure, once your inhibited body was dropped, You ROARED into consciousness, and , as Suzan Pelfrey said of you, you are the Party of the Universe.
I dream on purpose of the day I leave this costume behind. I can see you standing there by me, helping me lift right out of it, a huge grin on your face because it has not been but a second in time since you were with me in 'body', and you know I will know that, finally. I see your dad with you, both of you delighted that I have finished this 'movie',
No wonder I was so intrigued with Theater when I was young in body. Always directing and putting on plays. And here I am , playing out this role as a mother and grandmother, and Mike and Bobby are still playing it with me.

Best thing I can do now is learn to roar like you did. I seem to roar best when I am painting , my son.
Maybe I can extend that roar to every facet of this role here.
I will write to you every morning. I will never stop until the day comes when I no longer have a body to write with.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to be continued

Well, this morning I need to talk to you. Just to talk, I need to get some things off my head...honey, watch over your brothers please.....come and let Mike and Bobby KNOW that the Source exists, that LOVE exists, that they are LOVE. I want that for them so much.
I know they are both overwhelmed, I can feel it. Sometimes Mike worries me the most, and I have to go to this place inside me that says "He will be allright". I have always worried about Mike the most, because he was born such a gentle spirit, and this world is so harsh. I worry about Bobby, too, and yet he seems to have woken up from whatever self deprecation he had , once he had a child.
I want to go before them. I know, I know...I already wrote this script. But since you have a good relationship with the Light of All, give me a mention...I don't want to be here anymore, that's the truth. I am an enabler, a people pleaser, all of the dopey things I never wanted to become. I want to get through to your brothers that death is nothing to be feared, because there is no death. I need to manifest hope for both of them, but then I remember that is their journey. I cannot run their show, just like I could not run yours.
I just want to drop this body before they do. and they will, they will drop their bodies someday and both of them have come pretty close already.
Sweetie, I cannot go through that again.
I need to go before them. That is my main issue now, to get out of this place before they do. I don't think they realize how much I want that.
I also need to hear from YOU to tell me they are going to be okay no matter what.
I cannot stand seeing either of them in a state of angst or concern. I want them to know I will never leave them , in spirit, and I want Mike to especially believe in spirit. I think Bobby already is opening up to that , since you came and visited Riley.
But I am forlorn, wanting so much to be with you and Daddy..I feel like I would be a better mother without this conditioned body.
It's a constant drag on my being. I know there is no separation, that this is also a form of heaven. But it breaks my heart when I see Mike dragging himself down with worry, or Bobby going to work as a cop and seeing the things he sees.
I beg you to go to them, relieve them of their concerns, let them know they have nothing to fear. Please. Do it. I am no good at it , Mike doesn't think I know anything.
I am begging you, daddy, God/Light and all of the angels around you to help your brothers SEE.
Just a request, my little one. Please. Love. Mama...............................

okay Im back...oh my god I am so confused sweetheart,,, so sad,, this is getting close to me wanting to take all the pills in my house and wash them down with vodka...I cant do that to Riley...and that's the only thing keeping me from doing that right now...Im lost......I cannot live in this world anymore....I don't even want to be here...I cannot be yelled at anymore or told Im a terrible mother.....this is too much....how do you think I should handle this???? I don't know what to do....I want so much to be with you and daddy...where all this pain will go away...why did I manifest being yelled at?? was I so awful??!!! I took it all to heart...I can barely breathe right now......

How can I even get through today? I haven't been this low in a long time. YOU and DADDY are my only hope. The only reason I get through the day is because I know I will be coming to you soon and sooner than later. I want it to be NOW to escape this pain. This really hurts. REALLY hurts. I have beaten myself up enough, now I have someone else beating me up. I don't think I can do this anymore. I am hiding in my room like a fool, I am chain smoking and inside the house and I do not even care. I want to leave this place and my home is violated by rage and anger.

I want this body to die.

Riders On The Storm
I wake up to this madness I have manifested and wonder why I am still wearing this body. Is it to play grandmother? I hardly see my grandson, I hardly see anyone. Is it to keep telling your story to people? I see my other sons, Joey, your brothers who seem to think I am insane. I even wrote them a long email apologizing for my grief and weirdness over the years. I sometimes wish I could lose all memory of every day I have been in this place. Would it be worth it, to not see Mike in so much anger and pain, or Bobby. Mike does not believe in that place you are in now, that perspective of bliss. It must be hell for him not to know how happy you are, or that he can relax now, the higher power has him in it's hands.
Watching him, enraged, breaks my heart.
I love bedtime, you know. When I can sleep and leave this place, this ridiculous play, behind.

who am I to talk or judge? the doctor has me on meds to get by. No wonder my son thinks I am crazy.
I need for you and dad to come to him, please. whack him upside the head with that magic you do so well. Please. He creates so many of his own fears. Please.

I know you can hear me. I have the feeling that as I type to you with my fingers you already can read my mind. You are highly aware of that depression cloud I live in, but then you come along and show yourself to someone and I am lifted everytime you do that.

Your brothers both have enough on their plates, already. I don't want to discourage them with my own cloud I carry around. They have both been struck by lightning, too, first your dad and then you.I still feel their confusion and rage. I wish they knew deep down, like I do , deep down, that you and daddy are in absolute bliss.  I suppose all of my anger is thrown at whatever 'god' is, that I do not know what that bliss is like.
I take it with blind faith, from the people I speak to who tell me what it's like to cross over, people who have gone where you are and KNOW the joy. Heck, they cant even put it into words.
Im pretty sure that if I knew that Joy I would be more at peace.
But I have come a long way, kiddo. I know there's no death, and you chose to stay with your dad, just like you told your brother. I can't choose for you. I am still a control freak, tho, and want to choose that your other brothers live their lives out here, and that I am the next one to leave my body. I cannot go through having another child change that drastically on me before it's my turn.
My costume, this body, is becoming more annoying, it feels like I am cocooned in it. I would like it to fade away, asap. Cant force it. I have meditated it away, mostly, but it's a costume that just does not seem to fit anymore.
and I realize I am making all of this up.
No wonder your brothers think I am crazy.
Well, today I feel much better. Talking to Suzan Pelfrey, and I know you know her well, because you came and asked her to help me through that first year.
She and I spoke for quite a while, and just having someone to listen and BELIEVE is so overwhelmingly healing for me. My stomach pains went away. I felt like I was not alone. I suppose my vibrations were lifting to a place of peace, just to hear someone talk of the magic and mystery so easily.
I can see that I need that intensely. That realm where one walks in the bright light of god, where one hears we are infinity. Her stories uplifted me. Thanks. I needed that. I will paint stars today, write to you, and write to Riley. Suzan called you a healer, and indeed you are. To manifest to my brother, show him how to fly...to come to so many people to share your joy.
Suzan said I will cross over in my sleep.
I like that.
So you came to me again the other day, thank you!! 11 yrs later I receive a letter in the mail with your name on it. What!! You did it again, son, it's 2018 now and Mike had just left the house he had been in with me for a year and I had handed over 700 dollars to him when he left for his new job....and the letter, addressed to "Joseph Brown" shows up. That was enough to let me know you are watching over all of us and are with us, right there...that was all I needed until I read the letter, where it says you are owed 700 dollars from an uncashed cheque....what the hell!! I find out that the money will come back to me now, and there I was, concerned over the monies I had helped Mike with, and you decide the very day after Mike left and I felt so alone, to send me that letter in your name.
Well, you did it again. You know just when the time is right. I havent received anything for 11 yrs in your name and what are the odds I got this the day after Mike left with 700 dollars of my own money and you just laugh , I can feel it, by making sure I get it back.
"No worries, mom".
You blow my mind, kiddo.
Maybe you guys can help me with my extreme overprotectiveness I feel about your brother Mike. Ever since he was little, so quiet and introverted, I wanted to protect him. Come on now, Im still doing it!! He is 38 yrs old and here I am still perceiving him as a child and I want to take care of him to keep him safe. As if I have that power...Only YOU guys can do that, I can only change my perceptions. And allow Mike to thrive without my interference..same with Bobby but to a lesser degree. Bobby has and was born highly sociable, easy to make friends. Mike had a hellish time with kids when he was young. He is so trusting and I concern myself wayyyy too much with his journey. I know it even annoys him!! Its all because I found your body, Joey, and it boils down to my own personal terror of having another child cross.
Mike always seemed most vulnerable of all 3 of you to me. Please help me change my perception of him, so that I do NOT fall into panic at the least little thing. Marry him to someone!! Let him not need me, let a woman he falls in love with be his steady rock, along with you and dad.
I am not capable of mothering now, especially now, I suck at it because of the PTSD.
I ask for you guys to alter my perceptions. Let me see Mike as I see Bobby. Tough, determined, living happily and self determined to do so.
Let him not need me to bail him out or play therapist. I just want to see him so differently. I know you guys can work on that, please make that a number one priority. I am not a normal parent since you crossed over, Joey. I am trying.

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