fear or love

love seems to be centered around compassion.
this time, compassion comes without attachment.
as i told ellyn yesterday, when joey stopped using his body as a suit,
my house burned down.

it burned down but instead of rebuilding it i just stood on the destruction and continued the lighting of the fires.

i could not put it back anymore.
i only went halfway when bob and scott left their bodies. i went as far as i would allow, and took out of it what had to be taken from the experience to make this place  bearable.
with joey, the unbearable could only be bearable if i lost it all.

the bottle of pills could not be my way out. nope. bobby and mike did not need to go thru that.

caught between a rock and a hard place.

the two worlds i had been taught existed had to be joined.

i used to be compassionate, but with attachment.
now, this is a dream, and still compassionate but none of this is more than a transitory state of imagination.

as i told ellyn...when your child is lost in the warehouse, and you cannot find him, you tear down every inch of that warehouse, because your love is so great for that child you will keep tearing til there is not one inch of that warehouse left.

and then you dive in and start digging under the warehouse.

i know joey is happy now. i am holding onto that like a tether of a silver rope flung down to keep me in a place of non despair, despair i had been taught was the only choice i had. it is not.

joey and bob and the rest of them, as pablo says, are with me and watching. i trust ellyn, and pablo, who seem to be these two souls i am so blessed to be gifted to know.

i went to sleep last night with the gratitude of a saint, thanking them all for sending me these 2 souls to help me now. thanking them for those gifts, thanking them for being there for me .

i have had visions come of my friend and they were powerful. pablo says it is no longer possible to dismiss them.


why do i still think they are not real when so many have been real? even before the monroe institute for so long things came thru and i dismissed them.

ellyn and i spoke of fear and how it is pervasive in its way of being so familiar to people they do not want to let go of what it creates.

it seems so lonely sometimes, to be in this place where i sink under to ask questions and find answers and bring that consciousness into this place and then want to share it with people because ..i guess i still do not trust what i see inside. how much more do i need to have happen to learn to trust?

i think of my other 2 sons and want them to know this is not all there is, but this is my journey and when i share it with them i think they think i am crazy or fooling myself when i tell them i know joey did not die, no one dies, nothing dies. even tho joey came to them even stronger than me, i wonder what they think of all this.

they are both so different and yet so the same. one is quiet and says little, the other is he who goes out there and conquers the world like a soldier. both are who they are. should i concern myself with them, when they are on their own  journey? is it my business? i just want them to be happy.

but i should know better now i should i should i keep shoulding all over myself. that all is well. no matter what.

my higher self /god hung up on me in meditation yesterday when i asked ..why would you do any of this in this thick dimension? this is just stupid. i always ask that. the bliss better be damned good to keep me from asking that when i dump my body.

am i now destined to go thru my friend's dumping her body?  i saw it.

ellyn said we chose this consciousness to compare. to add contrast to the painting. i know about that when i paint. when i need to add depth. i told her, well, thats stupid. why would we do that when we are prebirth bliss? because we get bored with bliss? wtf?

she laughed. i suppose i might as well laugh because none of this makes sense. today i go to a friend's home and let her hear the hemi sync cd's. i suppose this is why i still hang around here.

for my other sons, for my grandson, for a smile and giggle to someone. joey says that is all it is.

just a smile and a little laughter and looking at someone and telling them they are loved.

pablo said he saw me in a ceremony in a vision and i had graduated...in his filter of a catholic church..like , some ceremony i recall well when i was a little girl and carried wheat stalks in a white dress at Saint Peter and Paul...i liked churches, i liked staring at the stained glass windows...i think my paintings come from that staring, plus i liked Latin...because the mystery was there ...and i wanted to know what the mystery was..

did i graduate? wtf? i have no idea. maybe i am just insane. thats okay, so is everyone.

man i am glad my linear time body is almost 62. frees me up from a lot. i would never want it to be at 30 again and be facing this whole scenario.

ellyn said the reason joey took such a bite out of this place is because he knew he would be dumping his body at 23.

but i intend to use this thing and remove the veil that does not exist. been doing that for way too long, now its time to dive even further. there is no veil.

tired

i often feel joey is laughing at me. so now i have had even more confirmation that he is happy and it is just that simple.

if i dont get it by now i am insane.
but everyone seems to be anyway.

mooji says to choose and so i do. i do not want people around and yet i am terribly lonely for people who understand. even the most arduous spiritual types seems seriously hell bent on reaching some nirvana and that only makes me roll my eyes when no one is laughing.

if i cannot love hitler i do not know how to love.

everyone tells me there is a veil and i dont believe them for a second.

joey tells me to be more patient but i have an issue with patience when it comes to destroying the illusion of a veil.

maybe i should just jump straight in to the ayahuasca

oh phoo..my ego needs to keep out of this, everything will just open up on its own.

i have no idea why i am still in this town.

i keep dreaming of houses and i live there and have to move and cannot see my gardens grow.

i am so tired.

and lonely.

and i can feel joey and bob laughing with kindness at me.

i give up.

in the morning

This play has become boring. "I" stay as a presence merely to accomodate my other 2 'sons' who share this journey as fellow souls along this pathway. Joey asked me to. And so, this puppet continues the play.

Sleeping a lot in this dream. 12 hours of linear time spent in sleep as a sluggish puppet, but, then , look at the dogs. They sleep, so shall this puppet.

Mornings, that part of the play, waking into this dream once again and dreading it. Walking the puppet outside to take the dogs out, when

this morning the voice inside like a wind said " SEE. THE. GOD. IN. EVERYTHING. IT RUNS THROUGH EVERYTHING."

 and i looked at the snow through these puppet eyes, and the twigs and branches sticking out of the ground, and watched the crows caw through the grey sky and saw it all like a stopped. postcard. a stopped. picture. but underneath was flowing a force .

look underneath this shallow picture, there is a force.

look behind the puppet. focus on the force behind the puppet and the props.

and see .

Testing...

I seem to be getting tested. This temporary vessel that labelled itself 'Marianne' keeps to itself, mostly, except for an occasional occurence when it drives somewhere or meets someone.

yesterday it received a phone call from a distraught woman who is manifesting as a 70 yr old. She wants to save the world. She went on and on about her concerns, her weariness, her vocal retribution about 'fracking' in Michigan, her worries, her this and that.

This 'Marianne' just listened, but there was no one listening more than that. The test is this :Does this Marianne thing get hooked into the drama of the play?

No.

It just sort of wanders through it. It is like living on another planet with this kind of test.

Part of this 'Marianne' thing wanted to tell the woman "This is not real." But it didn't , because she needs it to be 'real' now. This is her journey. None of my business.

The world is already perfect, Marianne wanted to tell her.

marianne kept still.

It is like living on a planet where everyone thinks the earth is flat and you know it is round.

The test also came when the grandchild decided not to manifest.

Only for a day did 'Marianne' grieve.because I knew the baby is fine. The grief was 'Marianne's' expectations.


The tests seem to suggest that 'Marianne' is becoming tinier and tinier until she is like a dandelion head blowing away and there is one little seed left.

The tests come and I am always surprised that the 'Marianne' does not hook into the drama of the play.

no grandchild using a body

the baby decided not to use a body / "We are sorry, honey" says the doctor "You lost it."

Now I know why Joey wants me to continue my 'presence' here for Bobby and Mike.

all in all, the little soul decided not to come here. the body did not fit.

I love you, little soul.


grandma.

just let go

Received a kind word from a man named Ron Russo, who  told me that when he drowned as a young man, he felt himself in the thick mud under the river he was drowning in, and he struggled and struggled until he finally...just...let....go....and then, the peace took over.

He was trying to tell me that my son is in incredible peace...but instead, he told me what I needed.

Last night I decided not to struggle anymore.

I lay down and said fuck it. I am done.

The dream sent to me in the sleeping was Mike and Bobby as little boys, and they needed care, so I cared for them. And, I was able to care for them.

Joey did not show up as a little boy, as he has in the past, where I cannot care for him or his brothers.

I woke up into this waking dream without that feeling of being a terrible mother who cannot care for her children properly as I have in the past.

I woke up with the feeling of being in a place where Joey does not need for me to care for him, but the others are still in the place and need me in some way.

I see Bobby's face when he calls me online, and he looks at me with great love as a child looks at a mother, my face must look like his mother, some aspect of me comforts him now.

And Mike told me, when I related to him I have dreams of feeling unloved.."Mom..if you only knew how loved you are..."

So maybe Joey was just saying...and this comes through to  me a bit.."You are there for them now, and I am okay...quit struggling..."

Grandchild

The play is sending another grandchild to play a part in it all, and I have evidently chosen to be a 'grandmother' again, that is the play, and the props are in place.

People near and far are rejoicing and justifying  their own ego boats they are in by telling me how wonderful it is to be born and manifest a body and how lucky it is to be experiencing this.

I am very joyous that the Light is manifesting as a body called my grandchildren, and will welcome it with love and attention and enjoy the gift of the soul of this little one who chose to come from the Ocean of Light and Love and divinely inhale this dimension with this body I, too, have manifested.

I wonder why, though, no celebration occurs when the body is no longer manifested.

All I heard when my son stopped using the body was gloom from other people.

I hear only from those who have stopped using their bodies , such as near death experiencers, a celebration for my son.

I will surround myself with those people who celebrate his birth out of a body , and back home again with his father.

I live alone and speak to no one here. There is no slight flirtation now with surrendering to everything, and disappearing. There is no tip toeing around with spiritual books but still hanging onto any of this anymore.

Everything must go.

I have very little energy for the play and find myself, as I am in the body, pretending far too much to accomodate other people in their need for me to feed the justifications of their ego boats. How silly, when the ice could break underneath them at anytime as they paddle furiously with their names and positions and assurance that their bodies are who they are.

so, I do not answer the phone or have people around, and prefer the dogs , who ask for nothing, and the birds , who ask for nothing, and the cats, who ask for nothing. I lay on the bed with the dogs and sleep. It is enough. I feel myself wanting to call the movers to clear my home of what little is left of the furniture that has appeared, and clear away the props. The less of 'me', the more of God. The more of Joey, who knows God better than I can even consider.

The only thing keeping me from chucking it all is the non human animals, who I have taken on as friends, who count on me to keep them warm and love them. as they do for me.

I am totally alone, and yet surrounded by Joey and Bob and those who no longer use their bodies, and I speak with them always, because they are who I trust implicitly and will always lead this body into a right state.

I cannot even leave the house easily, I hide inside this containment, and know it is not real and there is no reason to leave unless a pull comes to do so. When I do, I am never really anywhere but in a state of not being there. There is no place. No place is everywhere. I know I am not seeing anything more then a limited spectrum of a conditioned mind.

I will be the grandmother, and do it well, because the innocent must be loved and laughed with and cared for and are so close to the angels. That is what shows up, and I love the innocent that show up at my door, and embrace them .

This body will not manifest soon enough in linear time, and so it is merely a conditioned mind that sees it as a hindrance, but sometimes I feel this inner struggle as tho a bird in a cage is trying to release itself and it jumps around inside looking for an exit. but no doors open and the bird has to settle down and accept it.

I ask Joey every morning in this space to send me something palatable to get through it, and he does. I ask him and his father and all of them to stay with me, I am so close. yet not in their understanding, yet.