This play has become boring. "I" stay as a presence merely to accomodate my other 2 'sons' who share this journey as fellow souls along this pathway. Joey asked me to. And so, this puppet continues the play.
Sleeping a lot in this dream. 12 hours of linear time spent in sleep as a sluggish puppet, but, then , look at the dogs. They sleep, so shall this puppet.
Mornings, that part of the play, waking into this dream once again and dreading it. Walking the puppet outside to take the dogs out, when
this morning the voice inside like a wind said " SEE. THE. GOD. IN. EVERYTHING. IT RUNS THROUGH EVERYTHING."
and i looked at the snow through these puppet eyes, and the twigs and branches sticking out of the ground, and watched the crows caw through the grey sky and saw it all like a stopped. postcard. a stopped. picture. but underneath was flowing a force .
look underneath this shallow picture, there is a force.
look behind the puppet. focus on the force behind the puppet and the props.
and see .
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Testing...
I seem to be getting tested. This temporary vessel that labelled itself 'Marianne' keeps to itself, mostly, except for an occasional occurence when it drives somewhere or meets someone.
yesterday it received a phone call from a distraught woman who is manifesting as a 70 yr old. She wants to save the world. She went on and on about her concerns, her weariness, her vocal retribution about 'fracking' in Michigan, her worries, her this and that.
This 'Marianne' just listened, but there was no one listening more than that. The test is this :Does this Marianne thing get hooked into the drama of the play?
No.
It just sort of wanders through it. It is like living on another planet with this kind of test.
Part of this 'Marianne' thing wanted to tell the woman "This is not real." But it didn't , because she needs it to be 'real' now. This is her journey. None of my business.
The world is already perfect, Marianne wanted to tell her.
marianne kept still.
It is like living on a planet where everyone thinks the earth is flat and you know it is round.
The test also came when the grandchild decided not to manifest.
Only for a day did 'Marianne' grieve.because I knew the baby is fine. The grief was 'Marianne's' expectations.
The tests seem to suggest that 'Marianne' is becoming tinier and tinier until she is like a dandelion head blowing away and there is one little seed left.
The tests come and I am always surprised that the 'Marianne' does not hook into the drama of the play.
yesterday it received a phone call from a distraught woman who is manifesting as a 70 yr old. She wants to save the world. She went on and on about her concerns, her weariness, her vocal retribution about 'fracking' in Michigan, her worries, her this and that.
This 'Marianne' just listened, but there was no one listening more than that. The test is this :Does this Marianne thing get hooked into the drama of the play?
No.
It just sort of wanders through it. It is like living on another planet with this kind of test.
Part of this 'Marianne' thing wanted to tell the woman "This is not real." But it didn't , because she needs it to be 'real' now. This is her journey. None of my business.
The world is already perfect, Marianne wanted to tell her.
marianne kept still.
It is like living on a planet where everyone thinks the earth is flat and you know it is round.
The test also came when the grandchild decided not to manifest.
Only for a day did 'Marianne' grieve.because I knew the baby is fine. The grief was 'Marianne's' expectations.
The tests seem to suggest that 'Marianne' is becoming tinier and tinier until she is like a dandelion head blowing away and there is one little seed left.
The tests come and I am always surprised that the 'Marianne' does not hook into the drama of the play.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
no grandchild using a body
the baby decided not to use a body / "We are sorry, honey" says the doctor "You lost it."
Now I know why Joey wants me to continue my 'presence' here for Bobby and Mike.
all in all, the little soul decided not to come here. the body did not fit.
I love you, little soul.
grandma.
Now I know why Joey wants me to continue my 'presence' here for Bobby and Mike.
all in all, the little soul decided not to come here. the body did not fit.
I love you, little soul.
grandma.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
just let go
Received a kind word from a man named Ron Russo, who told me that when he drowned as a young man, he felt himself in the thick mud under the river he was drowning in, and he struggled and struggled until he finally...just...let....go....and then, the peace took over.
He was trying to tell me that my son is in incredible peace...but instead, he told me what I needed.
Last night I decided not to struggle anymore.
I lay down and said fuck it. I am done.
The dream sent to me in the sleeping was Mike and Bobby as little boys, and they needed care, so I cared for them. And, I was able to care for them.
Joey did not show up as a little boy, as he has in the past, where I cannot care for him or his brothers.
I woke up into this waking dream without that feeling of being a terrible mother who cannot care for her children properly as I have in the past.
I woke up with the feeling of being in a place where Joey does not need for me to care for him, but the others are still in the place and need me in some way.
I see Bobby's face when he calls me online, and he looks at me with great love as a child looks at a mother, my face must look like his mother, some aspect of me comforts him now.
And Mike told me, when I related to him I have dreams of feeling unloved.."Mom..if you only knew how loved you are..."
So maybe Joey was just saying...and this comes through to me a bit.."You are there for them now, and I am okay...quit struggling..."
He was trying to tell me that my son is in incredible peace...but instead, he told me what I needed.
Last night I decided not to struggle anymore.
I lay down and said fuck it. I am done.
The dream sent to me in the sleeping was Mike and Bobby as little boys, and they needed care, so I cared for them. And, I was able to care for them.
Joey did not show up as a little boy, as he has in the past, where I cannot care for him or his brothers.
I woke up into this waking dream without that feeling of being a terrible mother who cannot care for her children properly as I have in the past.
I woke up with the feeling of being in a place where Joey does not need for me to care for him, but the others are still in the place and need me in some way.
I see Bobby's face when he calls me online, and he looks at me with great love as a child looks at a mother, my face must look like his mother, some aspect of me comforts him now.
And Mike told me, when I related to him I have dreams of feeling unloved.."Mom..if you only knew how loved you are..."
So maybe Joey was just saying...and this comes through to me a bit.."You are there for them now, and I am okay...quit struggling..."
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Grandchild
The play is sending another grandchild to play a part in it all, and I have evidently chosen to be a 'grandmother' again, that is the play, and the props are in place.
People near and far are rejoicing and justifying their own ego boats they are in by telling me how wonderful it is to be born and manifest a body and how lucky it is to be experiencing this.
I am very joyous that the Light is manifesting as a body called my grandchildren, and will welcome it with love and attention and enjoy the gift of the soul of this little one who chose to come from the Ocean of Light and Love and divinely inhale this dimension with this body I, too, have manifested.
I wonder why, though, no celebration occurs when the body is no longer manifested.
All I heard when my son stopped using the body was gloom from other people.
I hear only from those who have stopped using their bodies , such as near death experiencers, a celebration for my son.
I will surround myself with those people who celebrate his birth out of a body , and back home again with his father.
I live alone and speak to no one here. There is no slight flirtation now with surrendering to everything, and disappearing. There is no tip toeing around with spiritual books but still hanging onto any of this anymore.
Everything must go.
I have very little energy for the play and find myself, as I am in the body, pretending far too much to accomodate other people in their need for me to feed the justifications of their ego boats. How silly, when the ice could break underneath them at anytime as they paddle furiously with their names and positions and assurance that their bodies are who they are.
so, I do not answer the phone or have people around, and prefer the dogs , who ask for nothing, and the birds , who ask for nothing, and the cats, who ask for nothing. I lay on the bed with the dogs and sleep. It is enough. I feel myself wanting to call the movers to clear my home of what little is left of the furniture that has appeared, and clear away the props. The less of 'me', the more of God. The more of Joey, who knows God better than I can even consider.
The only thing keeping me from chucking it all is the non human animals, who I have taken on as friends, who count on me to keep them warm and love them. as they do for me.
I am totally alone, and yet surrounded by Joey and Bob and those who no longer use their bodies, and I speak with them always, because they are who I trust implicitly and will always lead this body into a right state.
I cannot even leave the house easily, I hide inside this containment, and know it is not real and there is no reason to leave unless a pull comes to do so. When I do, I am never really anywhere but in a state of not being there. There is no place. No place is everywhere. I know I am not seeing anything more then a limited spectrum of a conditioned mind.
I will be the grandmother, and do it well, because the innocent must be loved and laughed with and cared for and are so close to the angels. That is what shows up, and I love the innocent that show up at my door, and embrace them .
This body will not manifest soon enough in linear time, and so it is merely a conditioned mind that sees it as a hindrance, but sometimes I feel this inner struggle as tho a bird in a cage is trying to release itself and it jumps around inside looking for an exit. but no doors open and the bird has to settle down and accept it.
I ask Joey every morning in this space to send me something palatable to get through it, and he does. I ask him and his father and all of them to stay with me, I am so close. yet not in their understanding, yet.
People near and far are rejoicing and justifying their own ego boats they are in by telling me how wonderful it is to be born and manifest a body and how lucky it is to be experiencing this.
I am very joyous that the Light is manifesting as a body called my grandchildren, and will welcome it with love and attention and enjoy the gift of the soul of this little one who chose to come from the Ocean of Light and Love and divinely inhale this dimension with this body I, too, have manifested.
I wonder why, though, no celebration occurs when the body is no longer manifested.
All I heard when my son stopped using the body was gloom from other people.
I hear only from those who have stopped using their bodies , such as near death experiencers, a celebration for my son.
I will surround myself with those people who celebrate his birth out of a body , and back home again with his father.
I live alone and speak to no one here. There is no slight flirtation now with surrendering to everything, and disappearing. There is no tip toeing around with spiritual books but still hanging onto any of this anymore.
Everything must go.
I have very little energy for the play and find myself, as I am in the body, pretending far too much to accomodate other people in their need for me to feed the justifications of their ego boats. How silly, when the ice could break underneath them at anytime as they paddle furiously with their names and positions and assurance that their bodies are who they are.
so, I do not answer the phone or have people around, and prefer the dogs , who ask for nothing, and the birds , who ask for nothing, and the cats, who ask for nothing. I lay on the bed with the dogs and sleep. It is enough. I feel myself wanting to call the movers to clear my home of what little is left of the furniture that has appeared, and clear away the props. The less of 'me', the more of God. The more of Joey, who knows God better than I can even consider.
The only thing keeping me from chucking it all is the non human animals, who I have taken on as friends, who count on me to keep them warm and love them. as they do for me.
I am totally alone, and yet surrounded by Joey and Bob and those who no longer use their bodies, and I speak with them always, because they are who I trust implicitly and will always lead this body into a right state.
I cannot even leave the house easily, I hide inside this containment, and know it is not real and there is no reason to leave unless a pull comes to do so. When I do, I am never really anywhere but in a state of not being there. There is no place. No place is everywhere. I know I am not seeing anything more then a limited spectrum of a conditioned mind.
I will be the grandmother, and do it well, because the innocent must be loved and laughed with and cared for and are so close to the angels. That is what shows up, and I love the innocent that show up at my door, and embrace them .
This body will not manifest soon enough in linear time, and so it is merely a conditioned mind that sees it as a hindrance, but sometimes I feel this inner struggle as tho a bird in a cage is trying to release itself and it jumps around inside looking for an exit. but no doors open and the bird has to settle down and accept it.
I ask Joey every morning in this space to send me something palatable to get through it, and he does. I ask him and his father and all of them to stay with me, I am so close. yet not in their understanding, yet.
Friday, January 25, 2013
lay down.
I keep seeing people out of the right corner of my eye. I am heading down again, but at least I am aware of it and just watching it from some other place.
They seem to come around when I need them . so be it.
Dreams come and go, the latest is a recurring dream of being stuck in a building and getting off of elevators on all the wrong floors and not being able to escape.
Then there are the house dreams, beautiful houses I cannot stay in and keep planting flowers and gardens and then am rushed away to another home where I cannot stay. and the little creatures that live with me cannot be saved. They beg me to mother them and I try but cannot save them.
The first dream I remember as a 4 yr old child is when I dreamt I walked through the mirror in the dining room, and entered a world of many rooms, all of them bedrooms with beautiful places to lay down.
Perhaps that was my best dream. Going through the mirror.
No one would believe me if I told them I saw a large object shaped like a tube with bright lights on it in the sky when I was a 6 yr old. No one would believe me if I told them it had lights all along the side of it and hovered over my back meadows as a little girl.
So I dont tell people that.
I am tired of dreams of archetypes like Robin Williams who reject me as a lover.. Talk about annoying. I am only rejecting myself anyway.
Dreams I am not lovable enough are very annoying.
Only once did I have one where I knew something beloved was there and loving me.
The feeling I had when I woke up to this dream was joy.
I am tired of this play and even though I chose the play and wrote the script and have to let it play out, I am still tired of the part.
I am told I will not even care I did it when I no longer manifest as a body . I guess I will trust what the near death experiencers say to me. They are all I have now to trust, to what extent I can trust them.
I can trust Mooji's words more. He knows some things.
I am tired.I need to lay down for a while.
They seem to come around when I need them . so be it.
Dreams come and go, the latest is a recurring dream of being stuck in a building and getting off of elevators on all the wrong floors and not being able to escape.
Then there are the house dreams, beautiful houses I cannot stay in and keep planting flowers and gardens and then am rushed away to another home where I cannot stay. and the little creatures that live with me cannot be saved. They beg me to mother them and I try but cannot save them.
The first dream I remember as a 4 yr old child is when I dreamt I walked through the mirror in the dining room, and entered a world of many rooms, all of them bedrooms with beautiful places to lay down.
Perhaps that was my best dream. Going through the mirror.
No one would believe me if I told them I saw a large object shaped like a tube with bright lights on it in the sky when I was a 6 yr old. No one would believe me if I told them it had lights all along the side of it and hovered over my back meadows as a little girl.
So I dont tell people that.
I am tired of dreams of archetypes like Robin Williams who reject me as a lover.. Talk about annoying. I am only rejecting myself anyway.
Dreams I am not lovable enough are very annoying.
Only once did I have one where I knew something beloved was there and loving me.
The feeling I had when I woke up to this dream was joy.
I am tired of this play and even though I chose the play and wrote the script and have to let it play out, I am still tired of the part.
I am told I will not even care I did it when I no longer manifest as a body . I guess I will trust what the near death experiencers say to me. They are all I have now to trust, to what extent I can trust them.
I can trust Mooji's words more. He knows some things.
I am tired.I need to lay down for a while.
Monday, January 21, 2013
the baby
Went inside today to check on the new baby that is now going to be a grandchild of mine in this 'here' consciousness..sometimes I go in 'looking' and then when I do not look I get it.
A little girl with blondish curly hair with her brother holding her arm. She was wearing a dress of white and blue and laughing.
I had the vision in 2007 of the spirit boy (little Andy) and girl holding hands. I do not know what to make of any of this, so I wont make anything of it.
I saw nothing but shadows when I went in, when I asked the baby to let me see through it's eyes. I surrounded it with light, the uterus and the light was all around. I surrounded the whole earth with the same light.
I felt no issue to concern myself with. Saw again a pair of lovers, saw embrace. Dont know what that means.
Started towards a door.
Saw a membrane of sorts. Red. Started to analyze it and it disappeared.
Stop analyzing.
Whatever will be will just arise.
Lighten up.
A little girl with blondish curly hair with her brother holding her arm. She was wearing a dress of white and blue and laughing.
I had the vision in 2007 of the spirit boy (little Andy) and girl holding hands. I do not know what to make of any of this, so I wont make anything of it.
I saw nothing but shadows when I went in, when I asked the baby to let me see through it's eyes. I surrounded it with light, the uterus and the light was all around. I surrounded the whole earth with the same light.
I felt no issue to concern myself with. Saw again a pair of lovers, saw embrace. Dont know what that means.
Started towards a door.
Saw a membrane of sorts. Red. Started to analyze it and it disappeared.
Stop analyzing.
Whatever will be will just arise.
Lighten up.
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