While in the midst of all of this , this what seemed like a neverending search for my youngest son Joey, I was not able to access his spirit through any other means then the ones I had learned were out there.
A medium, another medium, a friend (which was the most validating at the time), and my own dreams.
The destruction had occurred, or , as Joseph Campbell had said years earlier (I had already done a lot of searching after my husband crossed over..)...'suffering is holy ground.'
I know now that 'suffering' is also unnecessary, but I evidently would never have gone down the rabbit hole had I not detested 'suffering' so much.
I had, by now, decided that I was just going to 'wait' til I died. I was nearing 60 years old, and still somewhat attached to the concept of linear time (although, thanks to quantum physics I was finally, at least , intellectually, aware that linear time is imaginary)...and so I resigned my 'fate' as just to..wait. for death. I curled up into a fetal ball and waited.
I painted. Art never lies, but the paintings were so fecking sad. I have them in a closet. self portraits of someone who has resigned her being into a trance of waiting, just sitting there, already dead, using a body , nothing left.
Laughter? forget about it. No laughter. Nothing. Agony combined with Anger. Not a drop of happiness anywhere.
But then, a grandson.
Of course, you leave your agony, and you rock a baby, and you realize..it is not this baby's concern that you are dying inside. This baby innocently looks at you and expects you to love it, hold it, let it know it is safe.
You just put that agony and anger on hold, and you coo. You coo at this little person , who is still 'trailing the breath of the angels.'
And you realize, hmmm..maybe, just maybe, you have a sliver of a 'lifeline' to keep you at least in this 'physical' body. So, carry on. albeit, very slowly.
My other sons , I do not know how they perceived my searching for Joey. I cannot take their own personal journeys for them, nor can they take mine. I do know, however, that Joey came to them in vivid dreams, and again validated for my skeptical side of my ego-self a LOT of what I needed to hear.
I also realize now that by going to his brothers, he KNEW I would see that as far more credible than had he come to ME in a lucid dream. I would have questioned myself too thoroughly and written it off. I do NOT question what he said to his brothers. His brothers do NOT speak in this way, nor do they make statements like I do about NDE's , spiritual matters, ideas about non linear time, etc. They are skeptics, and I sometimes wonder if they humour me, which is fine. I adore them both anyway.
Joey came to Bobby in what Bobby describes as a vividly lucid dream. Bobby is not one to read accounts of Near Death Experiences, or any of the books and articles I have poured over for the last few decades and even more intensely, the last few years in linear time. Bobby's experience with Joey coming to him, however, described in specific detail every aspect of an NDE, and Bobby shakingly described his lucid dream to me in detail when Joey came:
"Mom..well..I fell asleep..I was in one of those deepest possible sleeps anyone could be in....I have been very angry at Joey since this happened...why it happened..why...and he came to me, Mom..he was right there...he was...like..well....covered in pixie dust?? like he was glowing...he had a beautific smile..kind of like the ones you see that are on pictures of jesus..you know..he looked healthy..like he had been surfing or something....he told me everything mom...everything....how, when he thought he was going to wake up on his couch..he was not on his couch.he felt himself moving really fast...like he was in a train and going fast through a tunnel.....he woke up in this quiet place....he was not sure where he was...he said it was peaceful but he was not sure where he was...then, Mom....he told me......Dad put his hand out and said ...come on, son...and then....Dad took him through...but Mom..he said he knew this would be hard on the family....but don't be angry with him..these things happen.....Mom, he said, its so wonderful where he is..he KNEW he was never going back to that body..it was so wonderful there...he was sooooooooooo happy mom...."
When I heard this, and other details about how Joey crossed over (details only I knew, Bobby did not know until this dream) I was given a huge gift. Not only had Bobby described in detail what EVERY near death experiencer had told me, he described things he could not have known, and has never read about.
This was a huge and credible gift for me.
Joey came to his brother Mike, a few times, and what Mike has told me has also soothed me.
Mike told me that Joey always looks beautific, but laughing. He took Mike, in a dream, to the most remote Antarctic Ice station, The McMurdo Ice Station in Antarctica, and showed him the deepest water he could find. He was laughing, and told Mike "Dive in!!! Do not be afraid!! It is not as deep as you think!! I do it all the time!!"
I was immediately reminded , when Mike told me this, of Joseph Campbell's statement "Go to the deepest part of the forest, and there you will find your truth, your jewel.."
Mike's story to me was the mythology I had been reading for years. the journey of Eshkigal into the underworld, removing every bit of ego and unauthenticated self, and finding the true self.
Joey said to Mike .."Dont be afraid of Death, Mike..Thats when the FUN begins"..
sometimes he takes Mike flying on journeys, or sailing.
Indeed, Joey is letting his brothers know, and through them, me, that he is FINE
A month or so after Joey left his body, I took Bobby to a Chinese restaurant. We ate, and he opened his fortune cookie at the end of the meal. Now, I have read many fortune cookies. They are usually vague and silly.
Bobby sat there staring. He looked at me and said 'Mom, read this.'
It said "LISTEN TO YOUR LITTLE BROTHER"
There are no accidents in the Universe.
Next up. Joey also visits other people, including my brother.