When I was a little child

How does one kill one's self BEFORE this body expires?

I had to learn that. I am still learning it.

I was walking for years with ONE foot in one dimension, and the other in what I considered THIS dimension. I was schizophrenic. I wanted to go, I could not follow Joey, or so I thought.

At the IANDS conference I was given the gift, one of many, of learning about The Monroe Institute. I had already read Robert Monroe's book, but now I was intrigued.

I had not been conditioned very well at meditation. In retrospect, I had found my meditation from my artwork, in that moment when one is caught...caught in no time, allowing the flow to occur as one draws or paints the very essence of one's be-ing.

Art never lies. It always tells one exactly where one is at.

I remember Joseph Campbell said he meditated by writing in the margins of his books. I visited his library in Santa Barbara, and , indeed, he did.

I had to die, and I knew it.
I had to give up being:

a mother.
a grandmother.
a woman.
a 60 yr old.
a child.
a history of experiences.
I had to see my body as a corpse.
a pile of ashes.
nothing.


I had to be no 'I.'

I had to die. There was no other way. To stay in this body as a 'reality' was impossible. The entire thing had to be wiped out.

Who was the observer of this 'I'?? The infamous higher self I had been reading about for so many years?

Who is this ?

I started to count on that. That was where I would know who Joey was...I had to get to know myself

as  God.

The Light.


The No Name.

The Universal OM.

the__________________________.


Oh, the ego , infamous in it's last gasps, was appalled. It had already been struck by lightning, and now I wanted to serve it it's final blow.

It was time to learn to go inward.

Suddenly, it struck me. My god, I had been doing that all of my life here.

I have what is described as synesthesia. It was never fully developed, or given credence by me, or others.

I see colours in shapes.

I can 'feel' three dimensions when I am painting on a 2 dimensional surface.

I have a little screen, since childhood, that pops up as I am falling asleep and shows me beautiful pictures and landscapes.

I had all of this going on, but never recogniized it as a gift of spirit.

It was time to access what I ALREADY KNEW.

My motivation : to know the love my son is in....


My motivation: to know he is safe.


My motivation: to die before my body dies.

Someone asked me once, 'what is the greatest gift you can give to your children?"

I immediately responded "To teach them how to die in joy"

And that was when i was very young. I even knew it then.

Now, my son is teaching me to die.

and he is teaching me how to do it in Joy. Joey, Joy.


He has become the mother.
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