As the "linear years" of "time" progressed, 'I' realized that ever since my husband Bob had made the same journey as Joey, back in 1989, I had been tearing the veil of illusion away trying to understand it all.
I had already poured over literally every book on mythology, from the Vedas to the Upanishads to the Tibetian Book of Living and Dying , you name it, I read it. Oh , I had it all
in my HEAD.
Now I was reaccessing all those damned books and reading news ones. When I finally came out of a stupour of massive grief just to be able to read, I read. But, suddenly, it was Quantum Physics. Suddenly, people like Dr Amit Goswami and Dr Fred Alan Wolf and others showed up. Suddenly I was thrown into a place where scientists were questioning the concept of reality, time, illusion, and I was eating it up like a starving woman with a buffet in front of her.
I found the Near Death Experience Website online. www.nderf.org. This looked promising.
I needed to know. What Kind of LOVE was my son IN????
I knew I could NOT bring back what I desired most..him, in his body.
I knew I could NOT change the outcome of this experience, but
by GOD I was going to find out how he was...
who better to go to, then to people who HAVE died, and come back to tell about it.
Only, they did not die. They just Stopped Using the Idea of Having a Body.
Those 'bodies' were not them.
I read thousands, thousands of their stories. I wrote to them, I begged them to tell me, and they wrote back.
I was delighted when I 'discovered' (I believe now gifted is a better word) with the book by Dr Betty Kovacs, on The Miracle of Death. I trusted her immediately, as her background of study and mine were so similar, but she had also had her son pass out of his body, and her husband.
I knew I could write to her.
She did write back, but she was concerned about me.
You see, I still had all the information in my HEAD. I knew there was no death, in my HEAD.
That just does not cut it. That is not enough.
During this time period, Joey came to his brother Mike and told him "Listen to MOM, she is a good professor about all this!"
I remember the first time I finally laughed. Someone posted a funny youtube video and I started to laugh, but quickly put my hand over my mouth.
How dare I laugh! My ego said. My little annoying conditioned ego was trained to be in grief and guilt, after all, it was trained for me to live in constant sorrow and anguish and drama.
So I chastised my laughing, and didn't realize, til much later, that the CLOSEST THING TO JOEY IS LAUGHTER IN THIS DIMENSION.
My curiosity about Quantum Physics and bereavement and healing led me to attend the Forever Family Foundation seminar, where, I met other bereaved parents who were also, like I was, sick of grief and looking to science for answers about what reality really is.
The people who started the Foundation were amazing, a couple whose 2 children had passed over in a car accident, and were tired of the same old '5 stages of grief' scenario with no questioning of a multi dimensional multiverse that was being studied by Physicists, and coming to fruition , similar to what Buddhists have sort of known all along....there was so much to learn..
Nonetheless, I was still angry. At this point maybe ONE person was left actually listening to what I was experiencing, but I kept most of it to myself.
My anger, one day, finally reached a peak. I was sitting in my chair at home and stating, once again, that whatever created 3 dimensional perspective so we could 'learn lessons' was a complete asshole, and deserved to get it's ass kicked, by me, and I yelled
WHERE IS MY SON!!!! HOW IS MY SON!!! YOU GODDAMNED FUCKER!! I WANT TO KNOW HOW MY SON IS!!!!
I sat down, defeated.
And then, the voice came, into me, filling me, nonchalant, laughing, and said..
'FIND OUT WHAT YOU REALLY ARE, AND YOU WILL KNOW YOUR SON.'
that was it. And that meant having to give
throw it all away.
let go. arrivderci. everything. the
and then, I remembered I had read a great deal about 'attachment.' and 'desire'.
so, here I went. stumbling into the journey of not being attached.
and I mean, to ANYTHING.
I had to climb out of the ego boat, if I ever wanted to know my son.
I had to die , before my 'body ' dies.
I had to kill 'Marianne' off.