Tuesday, December 25, 2012

really,god? you ironic jokester...

So, to drag this old form out of bed, you send me  a baby. Was that you,Joey? Bob? Dad? Were you all in on this one? Was this Big Marianne, that one who runs this play, also in on this one, some soul contract ?

I saw this baby, you know. I saw this baby in a vision back in 2007. It was when Riley was just conceived in his mother. I saw him in a vision, Riley, standing between my son and his wife. He was around 7 yrs old, wearing a blue and white checkered shirt, his reddish blonde hair cut short, walking in light brown pants with his father and mother holding his hands, as he walked between them, happily, up the white stairs, in the sunlight, to a beautiful white building like a church.

To the left were 2 spirit children. One was a little boy, tall, and he was holding the hand of a little girl, smaller than him. They were white, and you could see them shining. They stood to the side, in a grove of beautiful trees, and looked like they were waiting. 

I have always wondered who those children were. I know I had seen Riley as he is now in the vision, but who were those children? My son and his wife had a miscarriage with their first child, Andy, and I thought..well, the boy must be Andy. He is holding the hand of a little girl. Perhaps helping her. for some reason.

But, my son and his wife have assured me for six years they intend to have no other children.

Until tonight. I recieved a call only an hour or so ago, on this black day of my ego throwing a massive tantrum, and discovered I will be playing out the role of a grandmother again.

No, says this Light I have been railing at..No, you are not done with the manifestation yet. No, you still have to do this, or that. No, you chose this role. You created this play. You don't have to participate in it with attachment, but you chose to play it out.

Does this lessen the need to understand the LOVE? no. it does, however, get my sorry ass out of bed.

The irony of this is not lost on me, nor do I ignore the gift. You can't always get what you want, but you might get what you need to get your crying ego out of bed.

I suppose , now that I consider it, the cheeriness and festivity of today was wearing thin, and this had been Joey's favorite Holiday. It is not an important day to me, and only was because he enjoyed it.

Looking at it all, I can stop taking any of it seriously. I must. I must keep reminding myself this is NOT serious.

It means nothing.

I chose it all.

I also watch as I have these black days,but know full well they must also occur. I have been in those holes before, and I have always had a lifeline thrown at me to crawl out.  I cannot deny them, to please people. I wont go near the 'world' when I am in one.

I recognize my ego is impatient for the understanding. I recognize that I only sink deeply from triggers, like Christmas, and the thoughts pour in about Joey.

I watch my other sons wrestle with the devil and cannot do one thing to save them from their journey.

I wonder if Peru and a good vomiting dose of Ayahuasca is one way to go. To eliminate my last vestiges of Marianne...

I want a thermonuclear bomb to break down the barriers that keep me from knowing the Love that I am told permeates this Universe. I need to be struck by lightning to slap the shit out of my fortress walls.

In the meantime, however, a manifestation of a small child will be in my play here, and will call itself my grandchild, again.

So, as Joey showed me, Riley as a symbol is a candle, to light my way out of the darkness.

It is no coincidence that today another candle was lit.

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