Trying to Die

The word that gets caught in my being is that fucking word 'trying'. It means action, and the action can't come from my fucking ego.

I have stood toe to toe with the infamous LIGHT I am so often told about. Every goddamned Facebook Page I see has some reference or another to that goddamned son of a bitching LIGHT!! But I lay here all day in the motherfucking PLAY everyone is Playing, called christmas, and I curl up to fucking DIE and nothing happens. I shut off my brain and stay in this netherworld of LIMBO.

I am TOLD I brought my own manifestation into this goddamned dimension, I am responsible for it's very incarnation. And everyone has an answer!! I do not trust any of the answers, but I DO watch people like Mooji, whose  SON ALSO LEFT HIS BODY.. and Dr Betty Kovacs, whose  SON ALSO LEFT HIS BODY.. and I do trust THEM. Why should I trust what the goddamned Dalai Lama says or Deepak Chopra? did their SONS STOP USING A BODY? FUCK NO.

I want to punch the LIGHT  in the face, but I am only punching me, they say.

Why did I fall in love so deeply with my sons, my son, and then have his body whisked away as I knew him, and then I have NO IDEA how he is???so the journey tells me to 'get in touch with who I am'..and I have no fucking goddamned idea how to do that. I have no goddamned motherfucking idea how to do this.

I stand toe to toe with the LIGHT and say "OKAY MOTHERFUCKER, I WAS THE LOVE THAT THIS CHILD COUNTED ON, AND NOW HE NO LONGER USES A BODY, BUT IS HE STILL JOEY IS HE STILL THE ASPECT OF JOEY THE ONE I KNEW THE ONE WHO LAUGHED WITH HIS BROTHERS THE ONE WHO WAS AN ADVENTURING SOUL THE JOEY I KNEW IS HE STILL AWARE I EVEN THINK OF HIM AND WHY CAN I NOT KNOW THE FEELING OF THE LIGHT THAT HE IS EXPERIENCING JUST TO GIVE ME SOME GODDAMNED PEACE !! IF I KNOW HE IS IN JOY I WILL HAVE PEACE!!!!!"

and I lay there in a ball and wait to die and no death comes only my heartbeat of this ageing tired old body that is not even hungry anymore and I am assured by the soothsayers and sages that all is well and I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT... but I do NOT KNOW. I AM TIRED OF WANTING TO KNOW HOW MY SON IS.

I AM TIRED OF WATCHING MY OTHER SONS SUFFER, TOO, GODDAMNIT.

I AM TIRED OF PLAYING A PART IN THIS GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PLAY AND REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN IT ANYMORE.

I am going down , and in, and cannot use this form anymore for participation in this stupid drama.


all I ask is for my son to let me know he is in Joy. all I ask is for death. if i must use this dumb form called Marianne, at least give me the death of her while I am using it. kill her so I will know my son.