Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Trying to Die

The word that gets caught in my being is that fucking word 'trying'. It means action, and the action can't come from my fucking ego.

I have stood toe to toe with the infamous LIGHT I am so often told about. Every goddamned Facebook Page I see has some reference or another to that goddamned son of a bitching LIGHT!! But I lay here all day in the motherfucking PLAY everyone is Playing, called christmas, and I curl up to fucking DIE and nothing happens. I shut off my brain and stay in this netherworld of LIMBO.

I am TOLD I brought my own manifestation into this goddamned dimension, I am responsible for it's very incarnation. And everyone has an answer!! I do not trust any of the answers, but I DO watch people like Mooji, whose  SON ALSO LEFT HIS BODY.. and Dr Betty Kovacs, whose  SON ALSO LEFT HIS BODY.. and I do trust THEM. Why should I trust what the goddamned Dalai Lama says or Deepak Chopra? did their SONS STOP USING A BODY? FUCK NO.

I want to punch the LIGHT  in the face, but I am only punching me, they say.

Why did I fall in love so deeply with my sons, my son, and then have his body whisked away as I knew him, and then I have NO IDEA how he is???so the journey tells me to 'get in touch with who I am'..and I have no fucking goddamned idea how to do that. I have no goddamned motherfucking idea how to do this.

I stand toe to toe with the LIGHT and say "OKAY MOTHERFUCKER, I WAS THE LOVE THAT THIS CHILD COUNTED ON, AND NOW HE NO LONGER USES A BODY, BUT IS HE STILL JOEY IS HE STILL THE ASPECT OF JOEY THE ONE I KNEW THE ONE WHO LAUGHED WITH HIS BROTHERS THE ONE WHO WAS AN ADVENTURING SOUL THE JOEY I KNEW IS HE STILL AWARE I EVEN THINK OF HIM AND WHY CAN I NOT KNOW THE FEELING OF THE LIGHT THAT HE IS EXPERIENCING JUST TO GIVE ME SOME GODDAMNED PEACE !! IF I KNOW HE IS IN JOY I WILL HAVE PEACE!!!!!"

and I lay there in a ball and wait to die and no death comes only my heartbeat of this ageing tired old body that is not even hungry anymore and I am assured by the soothsayers and sages that all is well and I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT... but I do NOT KNOW. I AM TIRED OF WANTING TO KNOW HOW MY SON IS.

I AM TIRED OF WATCHING MY OTHER SONS SUFFER, TOO, GODDAMNIT.

I AM TIRED OF PLAYING A PART IN THIS GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PLAY AND REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN IT ANYMORE.

I am going down , and in, and cannot use this form anymore for participation in this stupid drama.


all I ask is for my son to let me know he is in Joy. all I ask is for death. if i must use this dumb form called Marianne, at least give me the death of her while I am using it. kill her so I will know my son.


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