Coming slowly to the realization that Me does not exist, is not frightening. It is soothing. It is peace, it is comfort, it is a relaxation.
With no 'I', finally, lay down. Lay. Down..
I walk the dogs every morning, but there is no me walking them, only a watcher watching a 'me'. The little 'me' that is left is a puppet, a ragdoll, who is the hand that walks her down the street with the dog? Who is the hand that holds her as she sleeps, watches her wash dishes, watches this little ragdoll scrub a floor or smoke a cigarette? The watcher. The me, the other one, the one who is connected to Joey, to Bob, to everyone as one thing. One thing, what is that thing. Does it have a name? Can it be explained?
"I" was led to the Monroe Institute by the ravings of the people I met at the IANDS conference. Again, I had NO idea how to meditate, and when I did try, the old clock, rusty and worn out cerebellum, would tick out thoughts on a regular basis, and my image of my mind was that of a rusty menagerie of linear thoughts, impossible fortress of thinking that needed to be kicked in the proverbial ass. I needed a tune up and fast.
I had already been watching the Mooji youtube videos. How was this man so damnably happy, a man whose son had crossed over??? How did he smile, with such a laughter..where did that come from???
I had been told all of my 'life' in this dimension that I had no right to access divinity. I was certainly NOT god, I was merely a child of god. Some god 'out there' was pulling the strings and how dare I even consider I have a right to access that all knowing all powerful being.
I called Bullshit on that a while back.
I do have a right to know. and I always have . I just didn't know how to do it.
Many of the women and men I have met whose children left their bodies have said to me "If only I had a telephone to call my child!! If I could just call my child!!!"
There was only one way to access that telephone, and I knew it had to be to jump right into the middle of this reality, call it out for what it was, and go inside.
Go In. Close My Lying eyes, and go In. There was no other way. Go In and shut off that yacking never ending stream of thinking that I had been so conditioned to. Go. In. Shut. Off.
DIVE in, as Joey told his brother. I had to dive. Joey was just a breath away.
What was getting in my way? My concept of 'Me', for one. And my inability to shut the fuck up in my head.
Joey had punched HOLES through the veil getting through to his brothers. He had been yelling at me all along, and I just had to LISTEN and stop THINKING or dismissing it with my overt skepticism and intellectual brouhaha.
The rug had already been pulled out from under me, for GOOD, and I had no where else to search.
I could not run away from diving in.
I needed help. I needed a kick start. I needed to attend the Monroe Institute.
Someone once told me, if you ask what you really are, the Light will send you everything you need.
The Monroe Institute started my engine. I went with no expectations, except a mild curiosity that I would
1. be with people who I could relate to
2. gain a spiritual tool to help me.
I asked for a drink of water, but
I got a firehose.
In retrospect, I realize that the minute I walked in, I was in the right place. (I am always in the right place, really, it is merely my conditioned mind that percieves any place as a wrong place)....
The lack of judgement, I could literally feel permeating the place was obvious. I knew immediately that there would be no judgement here. I was on a journey, it was honoured, and I was okay..perhaps it was the inclusion of ashtrays on the back deck that made me realize that.
there were no pounding Buddhas here, no new age gurus. Just people who were open to honouring the divine within everyone.
I cannot begin to describe the tears of joy that filled my face and heart after the very first session of meditation using the Bob Monroe binaural beat tapes.
Well, I did not know I could do this. I had never experienced it before. Not like this.
I went into a field of stars..a field of floating, a massive world opened up for me , a dimension I could be in, a dimension that is right next to me, a dimension where , when I close my eyes, I am in all the time.
I was travelling home. I was home. I knew, at that moment, I now had the telephone, the Holy Grail, the radio to dial into any frequency I wanted to.
The Watcher is smiling. In fact, there seems to be nothing but laughter in the entire Universe!
This tiny teeny weeny itsy bitsy frequency that 'Marianne Brown' is experiencing is merely a blip on the whole radar screen. a small AM channel on an infinite number of channels that I can access.
I am in kindergarten, standing there, with a whole infinite eternal number of crayola crayons and I can paint anything I want!! which crayon will the Watcher (true self) pick???
It doesnt matter!! I can leave here anytime! I do not have to stay in this dimensional perspective!!
It struck me that the perspective I am in is not only illusory, it is as dead as death, and there is no death, those two words, life and death, are merely words. I am as 'dead' now as I am 'alive'. There is ONLY life, only energy, only a shift of consciousness to see that. No one dies, they just change the channel.
I wanted to change the channel while I was still wearing this cocoon. I can!!
Every time I fell into the deep waters of meditation, I experienced the knowing that I was never alone, I was surrounded by all, I was playing in the inner universe and there was no out there, only an 'In Here'....everything is right . here. now.
Joey made sure he came to me laughing. I asked him to show me what I REALLY looked like. He showed me a mirror, and I saw my body.....and he laughed...I told him, and his dad, please!! I do not want to see her!! I see her every day...(I realize now they were telling me to accept being in this body, anyway, even tho I know it is a transitory illusion)
So, Joey came into the left side of my vision. his face shown with laughter, a field of stars I was floating in, he showed me a beautiful black figure, who flitted around in the stars..she was surrounded by a blue transluscent light, and was having a blast bouncing around the universe...
Suddenly she came right to the top of my head...and entered into my head..(I was still aware I had a body on)...and she was a blue light, so beautiful, filling up my head with blue light, and travelling down my spine and lighting it up and I could see every filament and fiber in my spine as a blue pulsating light..
I honestly thought that the Monroe Institute was using trick lighting in their chambers we meditated in, when I found out I could OPEN my bodily eyes and STILL be floating in that star field.
I had NO fear during any of this. Fear? Fear is knocked out of me now like a kick to the chest since my son crossed out of his body. That is the first thing to go.
I was starving and the universe fed me. I was at the starting gate, ready to JUMP into the deep infinity when I arrived at Monroe.
I saw so many wondrous things as 'I' changed perception in meditation.
But what stands out the most significantly is my last session, when I asked Joey to hug me.
He held me throughout the entire session. He was wearing a yellow shirt, and he came up to me, smiling, and let me hold him. I could feel his arms around me, and my head against his shirt and chest. he tenderly let me know that he is holding me for eternity, all the time, and to know that.
Oh, and by the way, the universe is a fun place. It takes NONE of this seriously. It is always laughing...
I know THAT now. It is a prankster, and a hoot. Wants nothing but the best for us all.
I still have a lot to learn. I am still asking...why do I have to stay in this perception of a body? What is the point?
I am in kindergarten. I have a lot to learn, but since I asked the questions, the answers will merely unfold.
"I" doesn't even exist, but the Watcher...well, she is laughing and rolling her eyes at the questions along with Joey and Bob and everyone..because somewhere, deep within, "I" already know the answers....